Y.P.R.: Notes from Mattel’s “Future of Barbie®” Brainstorming Session

Friday, May 13, 2005 | Fiction

Notes from Mattel’s “Future of Barbie®” Brainstorming Session

by David Ng

Hybrid Concept: Hybrid Barbie ®
Description: Barbie doll powered by both conventional gasoline engine, as well as an electric motor.
Pro: Barbie is emissions-compliant.
Con: No one can figure out a good place for the gas nozzle to go in. It always ends up looking dirty.
Potential slogan: “This baby gets up to 40 miles per gallon.”

Concept: Stem-Cell Barbie ®
Description: Produce a plastic mesh form in the shape of a Barbie doll. Seed this mesh with embryonic stem cells. Culture in bio-chambers until cells infiltrate and coat the plastic form.
Pro: This Barbie might get pregnant.
Con: This Barbie might get cancer
Potential slogan: “Feels like real skin because it is real skin.”

This doll is both Barbie and not Barbie. Concept: Schrödinger’s Barbie ®
Description: Interactive Barbie doll placed inside a thick lead box, containing a mock cyanide canister, and mock Geiger counter. The Geiger counter may or may not release one decaying mock atom, which in turn, may or may not break the canister releasing the cyanide. Therefore, child would be uncertain as to the fate of the Barbie doll (who could be pretend-dead or pretend-alive) until the lead box is actually opened.
Pro: This is fun way to illustrate an aspect of quantum law, which suggests that due to the superposition of states, Barbie is both dead and alive until the box is opened.
Con: Huh?
Potential slogan: “Schrödinger’s Barbie—be the first to give a shit.”

Concept: Super Malleable Barbie ®
Description: Produce Barbie dolls using the Dow Corning 3179 dilatant compound (a mixture containing silicone oil and boric acid, commonly known as Silly Putty).
Pro: Barbie can bounce.
Con: When Barbie pretend-falls asleep whilst pretend-reading a newspaper, the newsprint will show up on her face.
Potential slogan: “Ken will thank you.”

Concept: Flame-Retardant Barbie ®
Description: Coat existing doll product with copious amounts of the common flame retardant, polybrominated diphenyl ether.
Pro: Excellent opportunity for accessories (fireworks, matches, flame throwers, etc).
Con: Excellent opportunity for accessories (fireworks, matches, flame throwers, etc).
Potential slogan: “Throw the Barbie on the barbie!”

Concept: Supercomputer Artificial-Intelligence Robot Barbie ®
Description: Multiple clusters of high-powered processors networked to a Barbie doll mainframe. 2 USB ports standard. CD/DVD burner drive optional.
Pro: No more stupid brainstorming sessions—send Barbie instead.
Con: Small chance of total world domination and destruction of the human race as we know it.
Potential slogan: “Kicks ass at chess!”

David Ng is a biochemist and the Director of the Advanced Molecular Biology Laboratory (AMBL) at The University of British Columbia. He has only used his 'Dr' moniker on his Safeway club card, but regrettably the cashiers there never call him Doctor anyway. His writing has appeared in Maisonneuve, Biochemical Journal, McSweeney's, The Journal of Biological Chemistry, as well as his own literary science writing site, The Science Creative Quarterly. Disturbingly, he has both the means and the expertise to clone himself, but (thankfully) promises he won't.