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The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited
Monday, June 13, 2005

A Princeton Review Correspondent Overhears Some Tense Moments in Town/Gown Relations

by Andrew Golden

A group of college students walk down the street, accidentally bumping into a group of locals.

Local: Hey, watch it!

Ben Q., sophomore: (Muttering.) Once off the campus, this non-centralized community lacks adequate public transportation.

Local #2: Oh yeah? The availability of religious services on your campus rates a 2 out of 10, with most students not ranking “religion” or “conservative values” highly in terms of their interests, a far cry from the surrounding area!

Sarah W., junior: Hey! The university draws students from major East Coast cities and over 103 countries, but once you step out of the front gate, it’s totally hicksville!

Local #3: You damn kids. The student body claims that traditional serious relationships are really uncommon, and are greatly outnumbered by “casual hook-ups”!

Ray R., freshman: Say what? The diversity on campus—rated 8½ out of 10—is a far cry from the white, working class population of the town, which is rated by many of the students surveyed as “unfriendly” and “prejudiced”! You heard me!

Local #4: On-campus drinking takes a back seat to casual marijuana use!

Gina T., senior: While the university offers internship programs in several fields, very few can be found locally, in what is best described as a generally economically depressed area!

Pete P., sophomore: And while scholarships are fairly plentiful, the paperwork is complicated and the administration is generally unhelpful!

Local #5: One anonymous senior in the engineering department writes, “You could say we have a collision of worlds between trust fund-babies and out-of-work factory types who don’t necessarily respect higher education.”

Anonymous senior, engineering dep’t: Hey! How the hell did you know that?

Andrew Golden was well on his graduate-school way to making no money as a history professor before stopping dead in his tracks to make no money in PBS historical documentaries. He has been spotted on McSweeney's and the bottom of his dresser drawers (link disabled).