— Fiction —

United States’ Puppet States and Their Respective Leaders

Grenada (1983-1984) — Grover from Sesame Street.
He zooms through the sky, smarter than a speeding bullet, furrier than a powerful locomotive, able to lead tall sandwiches in a single bound! Is it an eggplant? A meatball? No! It’s Super-Grover! Which is good because Grenada needs some help with 32% of its population below the poverty line, as well as it being a transshipment point for marijuana and cocaine to the United States.

Afghanistan (2001-present) — Animal from The Muppet Show.
Being the wild-man drummer for the Electric Mayhem, Animal was installed as president in the turbulent country since he knew about mayhem and isn’t easily startled by gunfire and loud explosions, being that he’s deaf.

Dominican Republic (1916-1924 and 1965-1978) — X the Owl from Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood.
X was placed in power in Central America because he wanted to be neighbors with the United States, the place he loves. In his inaugural address he stated, “Well, how in the world are you, neighbor? It’s nifty gallifty to have you visit.” He has tried to promote tourism but the government’s repressive economic policies and overall civil unrest have not helped his cause.

Iraq (2003-present) — Lamb Chop.
Iraqis like lambs. They’re so cute and fluffy.

Haiti (1915-1934 and 2004-present) — Punch and Judy.
The puppets, popular amongst British children, are placed in power because Punch knows quite a bit about stabilizing security situations by not only strangling infant children but also bludgeoning his wife to death. Ah, children’s theatre at its best! Ah, Haiti!

Panama (1903-1968) — Howdy-Doody.
As soon he took office Howdy-Doody said, with raw power and conviction, “It’s Howdy-Doody time,” and has done his best to curb rampant smuggling, banditry, and guerrilla warfare in the Darien Province. He has yet to make any head way in that regard and has, in fact, had two assassination attempts on his life, once at a Buffalo Bob tribute in Puerto Obaldia.

South Vietnam (1954-1975) — Charlie McCarthy.
Charlie’s no relation to Joseph McCarthy, but the name McCarthy alone frightens lots of Commies across the globe, including South Vietnam. He is well regarded and much feared because Charlie doesn’t like Commies and he’s also quite distinguished-looking with a manacle and a hand up his butt.