Thursday, June 9, 2005

Super Grovada
Grenada (1983-1984) — Grover from Sesame Street.
He zooms through the sky, smarter than a speeding bullet, furrier than a powerful locomotive, able to lead tall sandwiches in a single bound! Is it an eggplant? A meatball? No! It’s Super-Grover! Which is good because Grenada needs some help with 32% of its population below the poverty line, as well as it being a transshipment point for marijuana and cocaine to the United States.

Afghanistan (2001-present) — Animal from The Muppet Show.
Being the wild-man drummer for the Electric Mayhem, Animal was installed as president in the turbulent country since he knew about mayhem and isn’t easily startled by gunfire and loud explosions, being that he’s deaf.

Dominican Republicowl
Dominican Republic (1916-1924 and 1965-1978) — X the Owl from Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood.
X was placed in power in Central America because he wanted to be neighbors with the United States, the place he loves. In his inaugural address he stated, “Well, how in the world are you, neighbor? It’s nifty gallifty to have you visit.” He has tried to promote tourism but the government’s repressive economic policies and overall civil unrest have not helped his cause.

Iraqi Lamb Chop
Iraq (2003-present) — Lamb Chop.
Iraqis like lambs. They’re so cute and fluffy.

Punch Haiti Judy
Haiti (1915-1934 and 2004-present) — Punch and Judy.
The puppets, popular amongst British children, are placed in power because Punch knows quite a bit about stabilizing security situations by not only strangling infant children but also bludgeoning his wife to death. Ah, children’s theatre at its best! Ah, Haiti!

Howdy, Panama
Panama (1903-1968) — Howdy-Doody.
As soon he took office Howdy-Doody said, with raw power and conviction, “It’s Howdy-Doody time,” and has done his best to curb rampant smuggling, banditry, and guerrilla warfare in the Darien Province. He has yet to make any head way in that regard and has, in fact, had two assassination attempts on his life, once at a Buffalo Bob tribute in Puerto Obaldia.

'Charlie & Charlie'
South Vietnam (1954-1975) — Charlie McCarthy.
Charlie’s no relation to Joseph McCarthy, but the name McCarthy alone frightens lots of Commies across the globe, including South Vietnam. He is well regarded and much feared because Charlie doesn’t like Commies and he’s also quite distinguished-looking with a manacle and a hand up his butt.

Jonathan Shipley is an idiot savant in the area of animal husbandry. He is married to a woman. They have a baby named Grace who can recite the Ukrainian national anthem. (“We’ll show that we, brothers, are of the Kazak nation!”) He hopes to be either a novelist or the pope. (He enjoys wearing big hats.) His foray as a superhero, the Thundering Wisk, was short-lived after he was attacked viciously in a Target parking lot. In the hospital he started his blog Jonathan’s Wacky World, that he updates regularly.

Dead Ends from Rejected "Choose-Your-Own-Adventure" Books From Code Name: Operation Mongoose: After some initial misgivings, you decide to authorize the Bay of Pigs invasion. Your policies of economic and diplomatic estrangement have done nothing to weaken Castro's power, and the whole thing with the mafia and...
I Am Tom Cruise, and I Love Women Oh, man, do I love Katie Holmes, who is a woman. And I also love women, in general.
J.S.F., Loud & Close This month (um, circa) the Y.P.R. Book Club solicited your clever tricks satirizing or inspired by Jonathan Safran Foer’s Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, whether you’ve read the book or not. Extremely Long and Incredibly Bad Writer’s Blockby Angela Genusa...

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