Monday, July 18, 2005

How To
How to Win at Cards

Dogs Playing Texas Hold ’emMany of you will never have heard of the game daringly named “cards.” This may be because you have working-class friends—or for another of a variety of reasons. However, this leads me from the point—that point being that I don’t care. However, what I do care about is winning. This article is designed to let you, dear reader, in on a few card-playing strategies I’ve picked up over the years.

The Companions

To properly play cards, you will need to find a sensei. This is usually an old Chinese man who will teach you all the things you need to know before you go out and teach those school bullies a lesson with your high-flying karate kicks! However, the reality is not always this. Often you will find the person who is most suited to the job of your sensei will be unusual. For example, my sensei is a hobo living outside a Chinese restaurant (try to make sure your sensei has at least a Chinese connection, even if it is not as obvious as mine). His name is Dave. Although he has taught me many things, I have become the master, and he has become the pupil, often saying things such as “Your card playing skills have increased … to the MAX!” This should be your aim.

Never let your sensei beg money from you for food. This is a strength-of-mind test secretly planned by him, and will ultimately lead to you becoming the strongest card player you can be.

The Moves

To get into the frame of mind needed for winning, try to think of the game of cards slightly like the game Ultimate Fight Tournament: Deluxe, but with more brandy and randomized bloodshed. Before we start, you must pick your special move. Each move is personalized to your character. For instance, my trademark Super Strength Power Blast© consists of me wetting myself slowly. The odor and wetness not only motivates me to play the hardest game I can, but often lets my opponents drop into the real embarrassment that can be caused by this move—them losing. However, you must adapt to your tactics individually. For a beginner, I suggest that the best strategy is defense mixed with humbleness. This involves not only complimenting each player throughout the game, but literally crying when things are not going to plan—causing the other players to lose deliberately through sympathy. Heh! Well done! Now wipe that smile off your face, you crybaby! The real training hasn’t even begun yet. Suck it up!

The Game

Within the game of cards, there are many different forms. However, the one I play most often is the hardest, and the most challenging game you will ever face. I like to call it “Snap.” The aim of the game is simply to make your opponent ‘snap’, by frequently using off-putting tactics. The other elements of the game mostly consist of putting one card at a time onto the table. However, these elements are not important—at least not important to winners.
I like to start the game of Snap by greeting my adversary with a hearty full-palm slap to the side of the head, while simultaneously telling racist jokes about his mother. After sitting down, and sharing a flask of brandy (laced with laxatives, of course!), I calmly inform him that the chair he is sitting on is, in fact, a large Canadian brown bear, which I have expertly sedated so that it will awaken, angry, when I reach the end of this sentence. The bear then mauls my opponent—whereupon Wilikins fetches the rifle, and play is resumed. However, my line of attack continues, as I invite my colleague to glance—through a strategically placed window—at my acres of lawn. On this lawn are usually his family, cheerfully being nailed onto crosses. Obviously your strategy will need to be better devised and implemented, you novice!
This is the way I usually win my Snap matches—with cunning and shrewdness, but always as a gentleman.

Some Card-playing Legends

Lord Cecil of Marlbury was the first real card player to be recognized by the W.G.F.L. (World Go Fish League). Having played only twice in his life, and having lost both times, this was a mighty achievement, and many critics suggest there are suspicions about his founding, funding and presidency links within the W.G.F.L.

Duke Henry of Gloucester was another fine card player. His most famous achievement was beating the world Number One, Trampy McTramp, who at that time was known as “the Card Earl,” being such a witty aristocrat.

I also am known as one of the greats—this probably being because I am writing this advice. Being named as one of the greatest card-players the world has ever known does not surprise me much. Why? Because it’s true.

And Finally, How to Win

Beat everyone. But be a gentleman about it.

Gareth Giles is a student from London. He recently queued until 12:01 a.m. for the new Harry Potter book—Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. He sometimes uses chat-up lines on women, but more often drugs. He also loves playing Strip Snakes and Ladders, sometimes to the early hours of the morning. Gareth has a healthy fetish for young men in tight shorts.

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