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Wednesday, July 20, 2005   |    Fiction

LeBron James, from an Interview in the March 2005 Issue of GQ and the King James Bible

by Angela Genusa

Here he cometh, a 6’9”, 240-pound man-child, wearing a black Nike skullcap, a white T-shirt, and baggy shorts. For if there cometh unto your assembly a man with a gold ring, in goodly apparel, and there come in also a poor man in vile raiment. Beneath his apparel, chosen 1 is etched from shoulder to shoulder and gifted childacross his chest. Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of Lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. And his brethren, James, and Rich, and Simon, and Judas? They call themselves the Four Horsemen, and henceforth they travel everywhere together. Is not his mother called Mary? “Damn, Mary, don’t be fartin’,” he says, and the other three Horsemen falleth all over themselves laughing. “I don’t call him King James,” Garnett said. “I calleth him the Gift. A gift for Cleveland, and for the league.” What James has, beyond his immense court skills, is an ability to bridge old-school and new-jack constituencies. They were astonished and said, “Where did this Man get this wisdom and these mighty works?” Now St. Vincent’s games were broadcasteth on ESPN and local pay-per-view, offending James that so many were making so many tidings off him while he and his biological mother, Gloria, were still of low degree. Let the brother of low degree rejoice in that he is exalted. In fact, James hath been known to create a slight distraction by pulling up in his Hummer (complete with TV monitors, a video-game system, and “King James” headrests) … “Where then did this Man get all these things?” Even those who have steered clear of run-ins with the law have to dealeth with the league’s culture of temptation. In every inn on the road, you see women in vile raiment and money-changers from the temple on the prowl. My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations. Shortly after James and I spoketh, his agent tells me a dejected James told him he had erred during the interview. Do not err, my beloved brethren. “Look at his ears! They got his ears!” exhorts his disciple Rich, who standeth next to James and clutcheth galleys of the upcoming DC comic book based on James, in which the rest of the Four Horsemen are all characters.

King James

With apologies to “The Fast Education of LeBron James” by Larry Platt, GQ; the Bible; and DC Comics.

Angela Genusa is a writer of experimental fiction, poetry, and humor. A real smartass, she once asked her new creative writing teacher, Steve Barthelme, “Any relation to Donald?” Oops, her bad. Some of her work can be found on the Web in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Über, The Black Table, and Opium Magazine, among others. She weaves burlap and gold into the fabric of our lives.