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The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited
Tuesday, July 5, 2005

Masters of My Domain: My Vices as Characters from "Seinfeld"


Pride — Jerry
Envy — Elaine
Sloth — George
Gluttony — Kramer

SinfeldScene: Pride’s apartment. Pride, Envy, and Sloth are standing around the kitchen. We come in the middle of a conversation.

Pride: I could go without it for a couple of weeks … easy.

Envy: No way. You wouldn’t last four hours.

Sloth: I think I could go a long time without it … usually I do.

The door bursts open and Gluttony enters and takes a deep bow (applause).

Gluttony: What are we talking about?

Envy: Pride and Sloth here think they can go for weeks without tempting Russell.

Gluttony: That’s easy. I could go a month. In fact, he’s been spending a lot of time with me and could use a break. All that winter-fat is bulging over his shorts.

Envy: Get real! You, especially you, couldn’t go five minutes.

Gluttony: Let’s put money on it.

Sloth: I’m in.

Pride: I’ll go against my better judgment, but only if Envy doubles the best time. It’s too easy to go with out wishing you were Brad Pitt or Tom Hanks for a few weeks.

Envy: You got it.

Sloth: It’s set then.

Gluttony: Oh yeah!! (Laugh track.)

Envy: (Smiles.) I can whittle us down by one right now.

Pride: How?

Envy: (Loudly.) Sara Lee!! Moist cake!! Rich frosting!!

Gluttony: Hey, quit it!

Envy: Hostess Cupcakes!! Chocolate chips!!

Gluttony: I’ll be right back.

Gluttony leaves the apartment slamming the door. We hear the door across the hall slam. The others exchange glances. Suddenly we hear the door across the hall slam again. And, Gluttony reënters. He approaches the kitchen table with chocolate around his mouth and slams a $20 down.

Gluttony: Well, I’m out.

Pride: That was easy.

Envy suddenly stares up.

Envy: Great, now that Russell’s stomach is full, he going to sit and watch a movie. There’s a Troy and Fight Club double feature on. (She tosses a $20 on the table). I’m going to go home and flex in the mirror, I guess.

Sloth: Well, it looks like it’s down to the two … hold on, the phone’s ringing. It’s Tuesday, it’s probably his mother. He’s supposed to go help his mother fix her computer tonight.

Pride: This could be trouble …

Sloth: Hey, get up and answer the phone, you bum! Great, he’s turned up the volume on the TV to drown out the phone.

Pride: Isn’t that a yawn?

Sloth: Don’t do it, don’t do it … oh, wouldn’t you know it, he’s fallen asleep. YOU SHOULDN”T HAVE STAYED UP SO LATE LAST NIGHT WATCHING THAT BUSOM BUDDIES MARATHON, YOU IDIOT!! Congratulations. (He tosses a $20 at Pride’s feet and walks out of the apartment.)

Pride: Excellent! I won. I am Numero Uno!

The door bursts open. Sloth, Gluttony, and Envy step back in and grab each of their $20 out of Pride’s hand, then leave.

As he is closing the door behind him Gluttony looks at Pride.

Gluttony: You let it go to your head.

Door shuts.

Pride: (Through gritted teeth.) Russell!!

Applause and credits.

Russell Bradbury-Carlin gave up his corporeal existence long ago. He now exists only as a series of bytes and electrical impulses distributed through out the internet. You can visit aspects of him (the humorous parts, anyway) here at Yankee Pot Roast and at McSweeney's, Science Creative Quarterly, The Big Jewel , as well as other sites. But if you are interested in visiting with him in his most condensed form, check out his Web site, All My Shoes and Glasses. Please note: if you visit his site between the hours of 11 p.m. and 7 a.m., please be quiet--that is when he sleeps.