Friday, July 8, 2005

We’ve all been at that point: lonely, desperate, horny as hell. Computers are all around us. Why not pair up the two? Voilà!—Internet dating (well, after you use the computer for something else, that is). Simple, right? But it doesn’t always go so well. Here are some instances where Internet dating can go just a touch awry:

That Panamanian-transvestite-platypus dating Web site that you click onto as a joke has a very clear (and actually quite flattering) picture of you on it. And suddenly you realize that you are, in fact, a Panamanian transvestite platypus. Go figure.

Your computer keeps automatically downloading pictures of cutlery dressed in lingerie—and you find yourself having trouble suppressing the urge to masturbate furiously each and every time.

Not only do you keep coming across your ex-girlfriend’s profile on various dating Web sites, but now her head and left femur are starting to stink in that big salt-filled garbage can you have her chopped up and stuffed in. P.U.!

You are extremely upset that “Jennie” turns out to be a large Thompson’s gazelle. Your anger is not really based on the fact that she’s a gazelle, but that she’s not a Grant’s gazelle. She also totally misled you with her photo and, really, she’s not even that hot. But you bang her anyway because you’ve always wanted to do an African chick.

You’ve paid your membership fee to Jdate and then realize you’ve made a big mistake because you really hate Jews.

You’ve been e-mailing hot_asianlad3 for a few weeks now and haven’t seen one picture. But the joke’s on hot_asianlad3, because you don’t actually have full use of your legs like you said, and you don’t have any control of your bowels!

You’re hooking up with that chick you met on and then it suddenly hits you as to why her breasts in your mouth seems so familiar. So you make up some excuse to get the hell out of there, say bye to Dad, and promise you’ll be home on Sunday for Mother’s Day.

The girl you’re scoping out on Friendster is a big Star Wars fan. Now, this may be good or bad. Good in the sense that she may gyrate in bed like a horny she-Jedi, while wearing that hot little Princess Leia outfit. Bad in that she’s probably a royal geek loser.

Interview with an Interview with Ann Coulter As I picked up a recent copy of Time magazine (April 25, 2005), I casually stroked the middle buttons of my fly with the thumb and forefinger of my right hand and realized that I was unquestionably terrified of this issue's cover girl: Ann Coulter.
Masters of My Domain: My Vices as Characters from "Seinfeld" Pride = Jerry; Envy = Elaine; Sloth = George; Gluttony = Kramer
Sally Forth Hey, remember The Fourth of July, 2003? We don't, but found this in our archives: Fourth of July Fourthiness. Independence is on the march, patriots....



RSD | RSS I | RSS II | Atøm | Spanish









From the Y.P.aRchives


Fun, Fickle Fiction (for Free!)
Fact, Opinion, Essay, & Review
Poetry & Lyric
Advice, How To, & Self-Help


Spectacular Features, Calendrical Happenings, Media Gadflies
Media Gadflies
Calendrical Happenings
The Book Club


Semi-Frequent Columns
Letter from the Editors
Disquieting Modern Trends


Interviews with Interviewers
One-Question Interviews


Correspondence (Letters To and Letters From) Letters from Y.P.R. Letters to Y.P.R. Birthday Cards to Celebrities


The Y.P.aRt Gallery Illustrious Illustration Photography Photomontage Graphic Design Logo Gallery


Pop Stars in Hotel Rooms Shreek of the Week of the Day What's Up with That? Fuit Salad Nick's Guff Vermont Girl The M_methicist Daily Garfield Digest Polish Facts: An Antidote to the Polish Joke


New & Noteworthy Et Cetera, Et Cetera, Et Cetera


Contributors' Notes


The Y.P.aRchives

This journal is powered by Movable Typo 5.02.

Y.P.R. & Co.