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The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited
Sunday, August 14, 2005

Advertise Here

by Nick Jezarian

AdAge had an article just the other day talking about how major advertisers can’t control the online space like they’d want. They’re busy wrestling with the hard-to-control content. Ohhhhh, aren’t they strong. Actually, they are. If they can force a car to be featured in a reality TV show about restaurants, I guess bitch-slapping a few bloggers into form so they can advertise their products isn’t such a stretch. The thing I find so silly is they’re surprised that offensive content comes up in chat rooms. Isn’t their current gripe kind of like advertising hand sanitizer in a peep booth in Times Square (how I miss the gritty days) and then acting horrified when you find out what kind of hands you’re sanitizing? Why not just hire a jizz mopper as your spokesperson?

But what ever do you mean? There was a pedophile in a chat room? Well, I never!

What the hell do you think these people do all day and night? They’re in a chat room for a reason, looking for laughs, insomniacs, maniacally obsessed with a topic so they need to talk about it with people all day. It’s like Comic Bok Guy from “The Simpsons.” However, the single biggest reason that people, at least guys, go to chat rooms is for sex. Porn falls into that. Porn and sex. So why be surprised when someone whips it out cyberspace-style? If I were a brand manager, these types of things wouldn’t happen.

There’s a solution though! Advertisers can advertise here. I’ll be very upfront: you’re going to see a few shitpissfuck-type lines, maybe some sexual innuendos, definitely attacks on B-rate celebrities and people that annoy me, like most everyone in the city. But I promise you that I will never, NEVER, post a picture of your son in a chat room with a the line “For good head call Mikey” and if I do I assure, swear even, that I won’t include a phone number. However, if for some strange reason, I did feel compelled to leave a phone number, there’s no chance I would provide a link to MapQuest with your address in it. There’s no chance.

Maybe there’s a little chance. But it’s worth the gamble. We’re Yankee Pot Roast, dammit. Who doesn’t like a little pot roast now and then?

Nick Jezarian is clearly a superbly built creation resulting from the union of man, woman, and crustacean. Nick's crustacean heritage contributes to his being mostly belligerent, constantly angry, yet always amused. Considering Nick's criminal spelling and grammar habits, the fact that he is part of the Y.P.R. brain trust doesn't say much about the site. Josh and Geoff have driven Nick's writing to new levels as he sends his Guff to the staff in an elaborate binary code that can only be deciphered by the light of pixie dust. Nick is Y.P.R.'s resident hip-hop expert, as he owns three CDs and once stabbed 50 Cent. Nick's favorite word is "word."
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