& Recently . . .

Harry Potter and the Bitch Ex-Wife

by Geoff Wolinetz

“All rise. Court is now in session. The Honorable Judge Albus P. Dumbledore presiding.” The entire courtroom, including Harry, Hermione, and their lawyers, stood as Dumbledore walked through a door and up to the bench where he was to preside…

Advertise Here

by Nick Jezarian

AdAge had an article just the other day talking about how major advertisers can’t control the online space like they’d want. They’re busy wrestling with the hard-to-control content. Ohhhhh, aren’t they strong. Actually, they are. If they can force a…

We’ll Be Right Back after a Quick Word from Our Sponsors …

Hello Y.P.R-keteers! We just wanted to poke our heads in the room for a moment to let you know that Y.P.R. will be back with brand-spanking-new content on August 15, 2005. For now, please peruse our copious archives of content…

Polish Fact

Public Holidays in Poland
January 1 (New Year's Day) -- Nowy Rok (Nowy Rok)
Easter Sunday -- pierwszy dzień Wielkiej Nocy (Niedziela Wielkanocna)
Easter Monday -- drugi dzień Wielkiej Nocy (Poniedziałek Wielkanocny)
May 1 (State Holiday) -- Święto Państwowe (Święto Pracy)
May 3 (Constitution Day) -- Święto Narodowe Trzeciego Maja (Święto Konstytucji Trzeciego Maja)
Pentecost Sunday -- pierwszy dzień Zielonych Świątek (Zielone Świątki)
Corpus Christi -- dzień Bożego Ciała (Boże Ciało)
August 15 (Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary) -- Wniebowzięcie Najświętszej (Maryi Panny)
November 1 (All Saints' Day) -- Wszystkich Świętych
November 11 (Independence Day) -- Narodowe Święto Niepodległości (Dzień Niepodległości)
December 25 (1st day of Christmas)-- pierwszy dzień Bożego Narodzenia
December 26 (2nd day of Christmas) -- drugi dzień Bożego Narodzenia

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Monday, August 15, 2005   |    Fiction

Harry Potter and the Magic of Puberty

by Nick Jezarian

Everything was going swimmingly for Harry Potter while he was at Hogwarts until he hit what would be the equivalent of the 10th-grade for a Muggle. During Harry’s second semester that year, he began to develop what we Muggles refer to as pubic hair. Now, try as Harry might to apparate himself from his freshly born curlies, it was to no avail.

Was everyone experiencing the same transformations Harry wondered? Being a Wizard in training certainly had its perks but one serious knock on Hogwart’s was that children were sent off at such a young age and didn’t have the opportunity to be corrupted by good Muggle television. Hence, Harry and his mates didn’t have the slightest chance to study pornography or the chance to have their imaginations sparked by the melony flesh of Cassandra on “Up All Night.” Sure he could whisk himself away on a broom and make frogs talk and had all sorts of other little magic tricks he could pull but the poor lad was now 16 and had yet to see a Page 3 girl in all her glory. Months passed and Harry couldn’t keep his secret any longer.

“Dumbledore, can we talk?”

“Sure Harry, you know my door is always open.”

Harry stepped into his chambers and dropped his pants. “What’s with the hair? One night I’m casting a homework spell, the next thing I know I’m waking up with… with…. THESE!”

“Harry, perhaps you’d better have a seat. I’ve been through this before.”

Harry pulled up his trousers and took a seat in the massive Hagglestooth chair across from Dumbledore. That’s when Harry began to spill his guts. He told of the time he woke up in a hot sweat in the middle of the night and had to change his sheets and skivvies before his roommate Weasley woke up. Then there was this odd feeling he’d been getting every time he saw Hermione. It was especially strong when Hermione would fly her broomstick or practice casting her Expellarimus.

“It’s at times like that Dumbledore; I want to just blow my Floo Powder and apparate myself into Hermione’s bosom. Is that weird?”

With the patience of guiding thirteen generations of prepubescent wizards into manhood, Dumbledore assuaged Harry’s curiosity and confusion. He appeased his apprehension but there was one thing that he couldn’t cure—that was for Harry to figure out on his own.

“It’s truly the strangest thing. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I’m the best wizard this side of Azkaban but I’ve get this awful sinking feeling lately that I’m just not good enough. It first started happening after Quidditch practice when I would shower with the other lads. But lately, I’ve begun to notice a jealousy thing as well. In class, I just can’t stop looking at Draco Malfoy’s wand. Have you seen how big that thing is? All I’ve got is this ratty old stick.”

This was a tricky one. Dumbledore explained that the size of the stick didn’t matter; it was the magic inside that made the spell. He then reached behind and pulled a book off his shelf and passed it over to Harry.

“Now tuck that in your robe and don’t tell a soul about this one, O.K.? Now scoot.” Dumbledore chuckled to himself and got back to his second semester evaluations.

Harry raced back to his room and locked the door behind him. He quickly disrobed and jumped into bed with book in hand. Weasley was not yet back from his late night study session so he had the place to himself. He opened to page one:

Bathilda Bagshot’s Enlargement Spells, Vol. I
Nick Jezarian is clearly a superbly built creation resulting from the union of man, woman, and crustacean. Nick's crustacean heritage contributes to his being mostly belligerent, constantly angry, yet always amused. Considering Nick's criminal spelling and grammar habits, the fact that he is part of the Y.P.R. brain trust doesn't say much about the site. Josh and Geoff have driven Nick's writing to new levels as he sends his Guff to the staff in an elaborate binary code that can only be deciphered by the light of pixie dust. Nick is Y.P.R.'s resident hip-hop expert, as he owns three CDs and once stabbed 50 Cent. Nick's favorite word is "word."