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The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited
Monday, August 15, 2005

Harry Potter and the Bitch Ex-Wife

“All rise. Court is now in session. The Honorable Judge Albus P. Dumbledore presiding.”

The entire courtroom, including Harry, Hermione, and their lawyers, stood as Dumbledore walked through a door and up to the bench where he was to preside over the courtroom. Dumbledore sat gently in his large chair and scanned the crowd that had gathered to watch the proceedings.

“You may be seated,” he said, eyeing Harry.

Before his career as Headmaster of Hogwarts, Dumbledore had been a very successful litigator with a well-earned reputation as a man that would stop at nothing to gain victory. Perhaps this is what made him such a bite in the ass when Harry was at Hogwarts. Despite vocal opposition to his selection, Dumbledore was a recess appointment to the bench by President George W. Bush for his strong commitment against judicial activism.

Harry looked over to his right. Hermione sat between her lawyers, Alan Dershowitz and F. Lee Bailey. Bailey looked drunk, but Dershowitz looked as vicious as ever. Harry unbuttoned the top button of his shirt and loosened his tie. With the divorce terms that Hermione was seeking, he should have just sterilized his neck so she could suck the blood right out of him.

“Mrs. Potter …” Dumbledore began.

“With all due respect, your honor, I’ll be going back to my maiden name.”

“Very well. Ms. Granger, you seek 50% of joint assets, as well as an alimony payment for $2,000 per month, to be paid on the 15th of the month and a one-time, lump-sum payment of $50,000. You also request full custody of your children with limited visitation rights.”

“Yes, your honor.” Harry wanted to get up and wipe that smug grin off of her face.

“Um, your honor, we think these terms are entirely reasonable given Ms. Granger’s unyielding support of her husband while he was in Wizard Medical School.”

“That will be fine, Mr. Dershowitz. I’ve read your brief. Concentrate on keeping your co-attorney sitting upright. I’ll handle the law.” Dumbledore still had little patience for bullshit. Harry thought it was good to see that he hadn’t changed.

“Now, Mr. Potter …”

“Yes, your honor.” After all of the back and forth of the last few months, the bickering, the accusations, the hurtful behavior, Harry just wanted this whole thing to be over. He’d had enough of the games that Hermione was playing. She was ruining his life and she wanted to take his kids.

“Mr. Potter, you seem to have very little in the way of demands. You consent to Ms. Granger’s alimony request, only contesting the request of $50,000. All you seem to want is joint custody of your children, with half of their time to be spent at 4 Privot Drive in your childhood home with you. Is this correct?”

“Yes, your honor.”

“Tell me, Mr. Potter. Why should this court not grant Ms. Granger all of her requests? You are a very wealthy, successful man, Mr. Potter. Surely, you could afford these requests and your children’s mother would be available to take care of them.”

Dumbledore was right. With the money that Harry would pay Hermione, she’d be able to sit on her fat ass all day, watching insipid female talk shows and chowing down on chocolate-covered peanuts. Harry needed to summon one last wizard trick. He’d sworn off wizardry after blowing out his ACL during a Quidditch match and losing his Hogwarts scholarship. He thought he knew just the trick.

“Your honor, may I suggest that not only am I the more competent parent, but that I can also do this? May I approach the bench?”

“This is highly irregular, Mr. Potter.”

“If the court will indulge me, it will only take a minute.”

“Proceed with caution, Mr. Potter.”

“Thank you, you honor.”

Harry walked to Dumbledore and showed him a coin. Putting his hands together, he made the coin disappear, to the wide-eyed amusement of the court. He then reached over the bench, pulled the coin out of Dumbledore’s ear, and punctuated it with a “ta-da.” The crowd burst into life with laughter and applause.

“Your honor, I ask you. Is there any more entertaining trick to a child?”

“Agreed, Mr. Potter. You have made your case. You are awarded joint custody of your children, terms to be determined at a later date.”

Dershowitz leapt to his feet. Bailey fell out of his chair.

“Your honor,” he said, “This is preposterous …”

“Save it, Mr. Dershowitz,” Dumbledore said, “Ms. Granger, you are awarded the financial terms you seek. This court is adjourned.”

Dumbledore banged the gavel. Harry stood and left the courtroom as the crowd cheered.

The End

Geoff Wolinetz cannot be found on IMDb because the Hollywood community refuses to acknowledge the production of his seminal masterpiece Come What May, a gritty psychothriller starring a guy who kind of looks like Billy Baldwin and Erin Gray (formerly of "Silver Spoons"). If he were to be found on IMDb, his name would fall between "Geoff Witcher" and "Geoff Wood." In addition to his imaginary film career, Geoff also maintains an imaginary career as a baron of industry, is lead singer of the imaginary band Kick Ass, Falco, holds an imaginary Olympic gold medal and is an imaginary Pulitzer laureate in the field of journalism for his investigative piece on the albinos of Alaska.