Monday, August 15, 2005

Instead of mourning for godfather Sirius Black, Harry should spill a forty in his dead homie’s honor.

Quidditch should be dropped as Hogwarts’ official school sport; perhaps And-1’s roster of notorious ‘Playaz’ could be employed to hasten the conversion to street basketball.

All house elves should be lovingly referred to as ‘shorties’.

All wizard robes should be branded with urbanwear logos. In order to facilitate this change, the House of Gryffindor should change its mascot/logo to Marc Ecko’s iconic rhino. FUBU has pledged its support to the house of Slytherin and Phat Pharm wishes to contribute to Ravenclaw apparel. Strangely, no apparel organization wants to touch Hufflepuff.

The oft-read newspaper The Daily Prophet should be re-titled The Daily Marksman.

Harry should have his broomstick “pimped.” Analysts suggest the wizarding equivalent of a neon-green Honda Civic hatchback should be placed in between his legs.

Famed rappers and urban recording artists should be cast in the roles surrounding Harry. Beyoncé should be tapped to play Hermoine. 50-Cent should play a fantastical Dumbledore, acting as a mentor to Harry in the hard-knock life of the wizarding world. This should tie in with Dumbledore’s eventual gruesome death; 50 should be hexed nine times.

The fat lady, the pudgy ghoul who guards the entrance to Gryffindor’s common room, should be played by Queen Latifah. Also, Tupac Shakur should keep it real from beyond the grave as Nearly Headless Nick.

Instead of utilizing a mystical pensieve to enter memories and investigate the formative years of Lord Voldemort, Harry and Dumbledore should roll up a fatty.

The Sorting Hat should speak exclusively in Ebonics and closely resemble an oversized baseball cap.

The joke shop in Hogsmeade run by Ron’s twin brothers should be replaced by a tattoo parlor-cum-liquor store. After each streetball win, Harry and Ron should get inked.

Andrew Sheivachman is a pathological underachiever. His hobbies include insomnia, reading Proust as conspicuously as possible in public, and deifying David Foster Wallace. He once quoted Tolstoy in casual conversation with his mother and will never live it down. His writing has been described as boring, masturbatory, and wordy; it cannot be found elsewhere. He often feels like a real jerkosaurus.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince Meet Prince and the Half-Baked Potter H.P.: Hi, there. I’m Harry Potter and this is my friend, Prince Harry. His mother was Princess Di. He doesn’t really look much like Prince Charles, which has led to some discussion about whether he is actually Prince Charles’ son....
Harry Potter and the Magic of Puberty Everything was going swimmingly for Harry Potter while he was at Hogwarts until he hit what would be the equivalent of the 10th-grade for a Muggle. During Harry’s second semester that year, he began to develop what we Muggles refer...
Harry Potter and the Bitch Ex-Wife “All rise. Court is now in session. The Honorable Judge Albus P. Dumbledore presiding.” The entire courtroom, including Harry, Hermione, and their lawyers, stood as Dumbledore walked through a door and up to the bench where he was to preside...

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