Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Mr. Mathers swears
Eminem: I’m kinda pissed.

Receptionist: Yes, sir. How can I assist?

Eminem: Wanna see what I do when I run out of pills?
My head gets fucked up and it’s making me ill
I’ll have to stay up, cuz, shit, I can’t get no sleep
Where’s my momma, huh? Cuz my sheets are in a heap.

Receptionist: I’m sorry, Mr. Mathers
From this I gather
You’ve dialed my number
because you cannot slumber?

Eminem: Hey, bitch, you gotta get me summat to pop
I smoked shit loads but I need tabs to drop
And no Pammy Anderson is gonna help me to the land of nod
Don’t you run your mouth, what kinda place is, this? God!

Receptionist: This is not a pharmacy, Mr. Eminem
Unless you want something feminine
I can provide tampons or pads
Or nappies for incontinent dads

Eminem: I’ll bust your lip if I don’t get something to make me weary
Take your best shot, you don’t wanna get me mad and teary
I’d kill my momma cuz I need something to make me nap
I’m so on edge I can’t think up no more of this rap

Receptionist: We are not here to make you soporific
Though I thought your last CD terrific
I can’t assist you in your need to doze
Maybe you should try harder to compose

Eminem: Only way I know is to get me 40 winks
Go get me a script, you got Ambien methinks
Put yourself in my shoes, I saw it in your brochure
Get off your skinny ass, I ain’t a faggot or kosher

Receptionist: I think you mean ambience
Just a minute and I’ll call an ambulance
Agitation, insomnia, and amnesia
Just because we couldn’t please ya

Eminem: Come on, bitch, I got platinum outta my cooze
but gimme reds, yellowjackets, give me fucking blues
I got a trigger on your pussy so gimme Tuinal,
Gimme Halcion, gimme Mogadon, it ain’t your funeral

Receptionist: Drink your milk and you will drowse
Hug your teddy, you big girl’s blouse
If you want I’ll tuck you up
And maybe that will shut you up

Eminem: If you don’t want a lawsuit, help me be a somnambulist
Forget it, no pills, and no booze, I’ll have one off the wrist
Sorry I pissed you off, thanks for all your trouble
Now, can I picture Britney Spears or maybe Betty Rubble?

Receptionist: Not at all, it’s been my pleasure
Anything else, I am at your leisure
But to stop my housemaids having issues
May I suggest you use some tissues

The Worst Harvard Alumna Transcript of January 15, 1984 Telephone Conversation Glenda: Hello. Voice: Glenda Cleaver? Glenda: This is she. Voice: I am calling on behalf of the Harvard University student-loan program. You are six months behind on your payments. (Michael Jackson's "Thriller" swells.)...
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The Puck Stops Here Your humble coëditor, Geoff Wolinetz, breaks down the new N.H.L. in "They're Puttin' On the Foil!" over at "La Mesa Negra." Lace up your skates and have a read....

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