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Tonight … and Beyond!

by Savannah Schroll

From: redevildog@yahoo.com To: angel_eyes1257@aol.com Subject: Tonight … and beyond! Dear Angela (such an appropriate name! Like the angels!) I wanted to let you know that I had a wonderful time tonight, and I hope that you would like…

Polish Fact

Temperate with cold, cloudy, moderately severe winters with frequent precipitation; mild summers with frequent showers and thundershowers.

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Quoi-ques; évidemms; ainsi bourdonnz.
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Nick's John
Thursday, September 22, 2005   |    Nick's Guff

Funniest E-Mail of the Century

by Nick Jezarian

Bahahahaha! Oh man, it hurts. This was a real doozy. I subscribe to some advertising and media industry newsletters and one just came in today that had a poll asking which show would be the season’s biggest hit. Among the four candidates—Commander-in-Chief.

Holy shit! Commander-in-Chief. Are you kidding me? I don’t even know where to begin; this is funny to me on so many levels. First of all, if you’ve seen any of these trailers—and you have to be living under a rock not to have seen at least one—you’re probably already well past this. Seeing Geena Davis, the former easy Earth girl, face off against the former Space Cowboy for the fate of our nation after the president’s unfortunate demise is nauseating. It has less entertainment value for me than watching Martha Stewart try and be Donald Trump, without the hair or the smirky effervescence.

Then it struck me why I think this show is going to be so bad. I retreat to television at the end of my workday to forget the bad things that happened at my job and that I just 10 hours listening to people bitch and moan and ask me for inconsequential things like a T.P.S. report or a cup of coffee or a handjob. Hence, the television is a magical place where I can retreat and imagine things that don’t really happen to me or where I can enjoy other people’s misfortunes and laugh at them. Oh that Ray Romano. [Insert belly laugh, repeat.] Oh my, that Tyra Banks and her scientifically-proven-to-be-real bosoms. [Insert feline mating call.] Generally though, it’s a wonderfully spun story about a slovenly middle-aged frat boy who has an incredibly skinny and hot wife, whose vagina he probably couldn’t locate if it was sitting on the side of her face. Oh, they usually live in the suburbs too, in a house whose kitchen is bigger than my whole goddamned apartment.

With this Commander-in-Chief though, it’s a twist on the traditional situation comedy. Geena Davis and Donald Sutherland in the Oval Office is actually an improvement over what’s happening there now but I’m not sure it will be any funnier than the King of Queens, which is less funny then seeing your best friend get stabbed in the eye by a rabid street-meat vendor at 32nd and Park. So there’s no real draw. I’d vote for this duo in the White House over Bush/Cheney in a heartbeat. Now here’s the other thing. I love a good bit of fiction but there’s no way in hell that I can ever imagine a woman as president in this country. I don’t think we’re there yet. Women have only been voting for how long? They’re still on probation as far as the majority of the country is concerned. That’s not to say I wouldn’t want a female president, they’re vastly more organized and rational than the men I know. The problem is, I don’t think we’ll see one anytime soon because look at the candidates: Where are the true female leaders of our generation? Pamela Anderson Lee is being positioned on magazine covers as the gracefully aging sex kitten who is a business genius. That’s just a point of reference, is all. Here’s an idea, a female dresses up like a man, all Bosom Buddies-style and scores a victory. They’d need a good vice-presidential candidate to tandem with though. One that could keep a secret and play along. I could deal with Brillo-head Tom Hanks as veep. He seemed pretty harmless yet resourceful in the Terminal and he’s a proven and successful cross dresser already.

Lastly, I have a suggestion for a reality show presidential-style that would rock the house. Why not just follow around Bush and Cheney and show how ridiculous they really are? Oh wait, Michael Moore did that didn’t he? Oh well. I voted for Everybody Hates Chris so what do I know.

Nick Jezarian is clearly a superbly built creation resulting from the union of man, woman, and crustacean. Nick's crustacean heritage contributes to his being mostly belligerent, constantly angry, yet always amused. Considering Nick's criminal spelling and grammar habits, the fact that he is part of the Y.P.R. brain trust doesn't say much about the site. Josh and Geoff have driven Nick's writing to new levels as he sends his Guff to the staff in an elaborate binary code that can only be deciphered by the light of pixie dust. Nick is Y.P.R.'s resident hip-hop expert, as he owns three CDs and once stabbed 50 Cent. Nick's favorite word is "word."