& Recently . . .

To the Pirates, from the Cowboys

by Christian McNeil

The Cowboys 500 Fountainview Plaza Suite #610 Ward, Texas The Pirates General Delivery Port Lafayette, Virgin Gorda Dear Pirates, This town isn’t big enough for the both of us. And by “this town,” we mean “the retro-childish zone of American…

The Trials and Tribluation of Doug Clifton, Ghost Whisperer

by Christopher Monks.

The Setting: A movie theater, at a screening of The Man starring Samuel L. Jackson and Eugene Levy

Teen Ghost #1: Oh snap! Dude just peed in the pool!
Teen Ghost #2: This movie is hilarious, bro!
Doug Clifton, Ghost Whisperer [whispering]: Shhhhhhhh!

Polish Fact

A Polish Glimpse of Earth
Anglia -- England
Szkocja -- Scotland
Walia -- Wales
Irlandia -- Ireland
Wielka Brytania -- Great Britain
Zjednoczone Królestwo - United Kingdom
Niemcy -- Germany
Japonia -- Japan
Stany Zjednoczone Ameryki - The United States of America
Francja -- France
Hiszpania -- Spain
Wenezuela -- Venezuela

Learn a Foreign Tongue!

Impari L'Italiano
Buone notizie per la gente che ama le notizie difettose.
Good news for people who love bad news.

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Thursday, September 29, 2005   |    Fiction

Kanye West’s Cronyism

by Nick Jezarian

If I were to become president, I can guarantee you, I wouldn’t hate black people. Oh hell no. The Whitey Billionaire’s Club though would be different story. He’d have another thing comin’, a niner to his smartass mouth. That’s right. So let us pretend that this country would one day actually elect a black man as president and not have him assassinated within three weeks of inauguration. It would then be commonplace for said black man to choose his cronies to run key organizations, as has been the standard operating procedure. You have to hook your boys up. With that in mind, here’s my list of fellows I would nominate to fill key governmental roles. Take note, some of them are even white!

FEMA – Johnny Nickels
Johnny and I go way back and Johnny always comes through in the clutch and never leaves those that depend on him high and dry no matter the situation. He is quick to action and always aware of the resources at his disposal. I can’t remember a single time that Nickels wasn’t able to produce me a bountiful dime bag of funk. Much like the Post Office, he is to be counted on no matter the weather. He came through during the blackout, the brownout, the whiteout. Hell this dude even came through during the R.N.C. when the sticky icky was selling like hot cakes! I’m telling you, if there’s an emergency, Johnny will know what to do, he’s always prepared and thinking ahead.

White House Social – Turtle from Entourage
After watching two full seasons of Entourage, I’m ready to nominate Turtle to this newly created position that I think would be vital to the smoothness with which I was able to run the country. In an effort to show the people that the White House is a place of love and peace, it would behoove my administration to throw lavish dinner parties and orgies for my esteemed guests from the world community. I picture Jordanian president Abdullah II and South Korean Maniac and film star Kim Jong Il hitting the mini-bar while a honey rubs them up and down. Now that my friends, is building international relations. You feelin’ me? Hell, I’ll even look the other way while Colombian President Velez blows lines off of Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin’s wife’s ass. I figure a) Canada’s not a friend, not a threat b) she’s got a hot ass and c) hey, isn’t that Paul Martin over there in the corner slipping my intern a roofie? Why yes it is! As long as we’re all getting along, all is good in the world.

Department of Education – Nipsy Russell
I can’t recall a single word that the über-talented Mr. Russell ever misspelled or mispronounced. I’m sure he knows how to count as well but that will come out in his background checks. Nipsy would teach our nation’s youth to rhyme in couplets which would work to accomplish a number of significant goals. We’d not only bridge the communication gap between those engaged deep in the hip-hop lifestyle, we’d also promote a uniform style of language which would ensure better relations. And as for No Child Left Behind, well as Nipsy might say

If the kid can’t learn because he’s a fool,
Then maybe he just ain’t made for school.

Department of Defense – Tom “Tiny” Lister Jr.
There is no way anyone’s fucking with this country if we have a dude like Deebo in charge. Just imagine, Iraq invades Kuwait for it’s oil. Deebo gets on the horn, growls and yells, “that’s my bike punk!” Saddam shits his pants, apologizes and gracefully backs out of Kuwait. Situation averted. Then we wouldn’t have this mess today. It doesn’t hurt that I think he has a cross-eye. Big, evil looking diesel dudes are that much more intimidating if you’re not sure who they’re actually looking at.

Poet Laureate – Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg
The recent author of A Family of Poems, Ms. Kennedy is an obvious choice. She’s the only person I know of in the past 50 years that has published a book of poems that might actually sell more than 50 copies. Sure, it might be because of her name but who cares? Not to mention, it’s always nice to see a Kennedy in politics—it makes for wonderful theater if nothing else. The most rudimentary responsibility of the Poet Laureate in this man’s opinion, is to create a love affair between people and the written word. It begins with her married name. Schlossberg. I just love saying that. Schlossberg. It’s fantastic. I’m having a love affair and I couldn’t be happier. Schlossberg.

Federal Reserve Board Chairmen – 50 Cent
As Mr. Greenspan’s pit bull like grip on the Fed appears to be in its twilight, I throw my Queens friend Fiddy a bone and the throne to the Fed. Seriously, what could be more apropos than appointing a person named after money to oversee the health of the nation’s economy? I’m sure he’ll be able to spice the Fed parties up something fierce as well because they’ve been nowhere near as fly as Voclker’s were under Greeny’s watch. Fiddy is frugal and has extremely good credit too so he’d be a good choice for our “charge now, deal with debt later” society.

In a future installment, I will review my budget proposal. I won’t reveal too many details but I can tell you one thing … there’s not much money in it for Texas.

Nick Jezarian is clearly a superbly built creation resulting from the union of man, woman, and crustacean. Nick's crustacean heritage contributes to his being mostly belligerent, constantly angry, yet always amused. Considering Nick's criminal spelling and grammar habits, the fact that he is part of the Y.P.R. brain trust doesn't say much about the site. Josh and Geoff have driven Nick's writing to new levels as he sends his Guff to the staff in an elaborate binary code that can only be deciphered by the light of pixie dust. Nick is Y.P.R.'s resident hip-hop expert, as he owns three CDs and once stabbed 50 Cent. Nick's favorite word is "word."