& Recently . . .

The Trials and Tribluation of Doug Clifton, Ghost Whisperer

by Christopher Monks.

The Setting: A movie theater, at a screening of The Man starring Samuel L. Jackson and Eugene Levy

Teen Ghost #1: Oh snap! Dude just peed in the pool!
Teen Ghost #2: This movie is hilarious, bro!
Doug Clifton, Ghost Whisperer [whispering]: Shhhhhhhh!

Funniest E-Mail of the Century

by Nick Jezarian

Bahahahaha! Oh man, it hurts. This was a real doozy. I subscribe to some advertising and media industry newsletters and one just came in today that had a poll asking which show would be the season’s biggest hit. Among the…

Tonight … and Beyond!

by Savannah Schroll

From: redevildog@yahoo.com To: angel_eyes1257@aol.com Subject: Tonight … and beyond! Dear Angela (such an appropriate name! Like the angels!) I wanted to let you know that I had a wonderful time tonight, and I hope that you would like…

Polish Fact

Major illicit producer of amphetamine for the international market; minor transshipment point for Asian and Latin American illicit drugs to Western Europe.

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Não é tevê, ele é HBO.
It's not TV, it's HBO.

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Monday, September 26, 2005   |    Fiction

To the Pirates, from the Cowboys

by Christian McNeil

The Cowboys
500 Fountainview Plaza
Suite #610
Ward, Texas

The Pirates
General Delivery
Port Lafayette, Virgin Gorda

Dear Pirates,

This town isn’t big enough for the both of us.

And by “this town,” we mean “the retro-childish zone of American popular culture.”

We don’t like the way you’re encroaching on our traditional dominance in Halloween costumes and summer blockbusters. And the way you underbid us for the endorsement contract with Pepsi was nothing but low-down and dirty.

Here’s another thing: who gave you license to dress the way you do? The frilly shirts, the makeup—it all seems a little bit gay. And don’t try to say the same thing about our tight jeans. You need tight jeans for horse wranglin’, and you don’t need frilly shirts for nothing. Except to get more attention for all your flamboyant, in-your-face lifestyles. Frankly, we think it’s disgraceful.

We’re tolerant, peace-loving folks. Everyone agrees we’re the good guys. Everyone except those effete revisionist historians- and you’d just better not be behind them, either. But you’d have to be damned fools to think you could just keep on testing the limits of our enlightened acceptance without facing any consequences. Y’all crossed the line long ago and, pirates, you’re making it difficult for us to coexist peacefully.

We’ll give you a choice: First choice, you face the cowboys at high noon on Main Street next Wednesday. We feel it’s only fair to remind you that your ridiculous hooks will be no match for the cowboys’ lightning-quick draws. Second choice, you can quit peacefully and settle down in the trailer park we’ve prepared for you at the pirate reservation. You might not have much dignity there, but at least you’ll be alive.

Don’t call us your “mateys,” either, because we’re not.

Y’alls sincerely,
The Cowboys

Christian McNeil, from Steep Falls, Maine, is a lifeguard and freelance economist currently living in Portland, Oregon. He is uninsured and welcomes offers for full-time employment.