To the Pirates, from the Cowboys
500 Fountainview Plaza
Port Lafayette, Virgin Gorda
This town isn’t big enough for the both of us.
And by “this town,” we mean “the retro-childish zone of American popular culture.”
We don’t like the way you’re encroaching on our traditional dominance in Halloween costumes and summer blockbusters. And the way you underbid us for the endorsement contract with Pepsi was nothing but low-down and dirty.
Here’s another thing: who gave you license to dress the way you do? The frilly shirts, the makeup—it all seems a little bit gay. And don’t try to say the same thing about our tight jeans. You need tight jeans for horse wranglin’, and you don’t need frilly shirts for nothing. Except to get more attention for all your flamboyant, in-your-face lifestyles. Frankly, we think it’s disgraceful.
We’re tolerant, peace-loving folks. Everyone agrees we’re the good guys. Everyone except those effete revisionist historians- and you’d just better not be behind them, either. But you’d have to be damned fools to think you could just keep on testing the limits of our enlightened acceptance without facing any consequences. Y’all crossed the line long ago and, pirates, you’re making it difficult for us to coexist peacefully.
We’ll give you a choice: First choice, you face the cowboys at high noon on Main Street next Wednesday. We feel it’s only fair to remind you that your ridiculous hooks will be no match for the cowboys’ lightning-quick draws. Second choice, you can quit peacefully and settle down in the trailer park we’ve prepared for you at the pirate reservation. You might not have much dignity there, but at least you’ll be alive.
Don’t call us your “mateys,” either, because we’re not.