Excerpts from Paul Stanley’s Testimony Before the Senate Armed Services Committee Regarding the Capability and Readiness of the Kiss Army™ in the War Against Terror™
(Tuesday afternoon, 14:10 EST.)
Senator McCain: First of all, I’d like to begin by thanking Mr. Stanley for appearing before this committee. Mr. Stanley, do you have any opening statements?
Paul Stanley: OH YEAH! HOW YAH DOIN, PEEPLE? WELL, AWWRIGHT! PEEPLE! PEEPLE! PEEPLE! HEH-LO! We ah HONAHH-ED tah be here TAH-NIGHT! I know … I know … I say, I say … I nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh nuh-nuh-KNOW you want to have some fun! And I nuh-nuh-nuh KNOW you wan- tah have a ROCK AND ROLL PARTY TAHNIGHT! Oh, yeah!
Senator McCain: Well, uh, thank you for being here.
Paul Stanley: Now, PEEPLE I need tuh KNOW—ARE YOU READY? I said—ARE YOU READY?
Senator McCain: (Pauses, looks around shrugs.) Yes, we’re ready.
Paul Stanley: WELL ARRRWWWRIIIGHT!
Senator McCain: Very good. Let us begin. (Pauses.) Mr. Stanley, do you believe that the Kiss Army™ is adequately outfitted to handle the coming months in Iraq?
Paul Stanley: (Takes sip of water.) Senator, I think that everyone is aware that the Kiss Army™ is made of the greatest people in the world and without our fans we would be nothing.
Senator McCain: Understood. But is it fair to say that the Kiss Army™ is underfunded?
Paul Stanley: I would have to … SHOUT IT OUT LOUD!!! HELLL NOOO! Kiss fans are the greatest fans in the world and the KISS ARMY™ has one of the best well-funded operations considering the egregious amount of merchandise we sell to them. OHHH, YEEE-AHH!
Senator McCain: Mr. Stanley, is the KISS ARMY™ going to be able maintain a level of understanding commensurate with the political upheaval with Iraq and be relied upon to put the needs and duties of the US Armed Forces above personal interests?
Paul Stanley: You know what, Senator? You know what? I got a little sah-prize fuh yoo tah-night: (Pauses.) I’m gonna turn the microphone over tah ACE FREHLEY! SHOCK ME!
(Silence.)
Senator McCain: Well, this does come as something of a surprise, but we’re not “shocked.” Is Mr. Frehley going to substantiate your assessment of the KISS ARMY™ and its preparedness?
Ace Frehley: Hey, man, how’s it going?
Senator McCain: (Sighs.) Mr. Frehley, I’m sure we’re all aware of your enormous influence on the young people insofar as inspiring an entire generation to pick up a guitar. But the question at hand demands that you are prepared to answer accordingly: Is the KISS ARMY™ prepared for the War Against Terror™ in Iraq?
Ace Frehley: Well, I was the “outer-space” guy. They called me “Space Ace” because I was into UFOs and stuff.
Senator McCain: Go on …
Ace Frehley: Yeah, well … I dunno. Gene was like the “Demon” and Paul was the “lover” and Peter Criss …
Senator McCain: Just answer the question, please.
Ace Frehley: Peter was the “kitty cat.” I haven’t been paid by these guys in some time.
(Silence.)
Paul Stanley: Can I just interject something here, Senator?
Senator McCain: Of course, by all means. I’m sure we’d all like a little clarity.
Paul Stanley: IF YOU WANNA GET YOURSELF … KISSED … MEET ME IN THE LADIES’ ROOM!
Senator McCain: Perhaps you could just answer the question here.
Paul Stanley: Oh, YEAH! Oh, YEAH! I know what the question is—and if you know the answer I wanna hee-ahh you say it with me!
ARRE YAAH WITH MEEE???
(Silence.)
Senator McCain: What is the answer?
Paul Stanley: ROCK AND ROLL ALL NIGHT … AND PARTY EVERY DAY!
Senator McCain: (Sighs.) I think we will have to adjourn this meeting until Mr. Stanley and company have had sufficient time to speak with their attorneys …
Paul Stanley: Oh, yeah … OH YEEEEE-AAAAAAHHHH! RAWK ANN ROOEELLL!
– End transcript —