& Recently . . .

What I Could Have Done to that Jerk Who Asked Me “Hey You Know Karate?” Had I Actually Known Karate

by James Yeh

Walked over to him and listed some of the other possible questions that he could have asked using common Asian stereotypes as a template:”Hey you eat dog?”“Hey you know math?”“Hey you make my car?” Directed obscene gestures toward him while…

Human Brain and Animal Brain, Analogous? No!: A Keen Example of Objective Scientific Argument by Professor Pierre Dugelay, Ph.D., Philosophy and Cultural Studies, Translation to English Permitted for Higher Education Purposes Only

by Daniel Byard Cox

The human brain is quite elaborate. It employs electrochemical mechanisms and triggers physiological responses so complex that even science has struggled to understand it all. Many scientists would, in fact, categorize the human brain as a “final frontier.” The depths…

Waiting Room

by David Gianatasio

Who’s the new guy? Is he new? Nope, guess I’ve seen him here before. Every Friday at 7:55 a.m., just like me. Balding—pasty. Yeah, I’ve seen the guy. Could really use more sun. 45—older maybe. Yeah, guess he’s been coming…

Polish Fact

Zloty Exchange Rate:

1 USD = 3.95 PLN
1 Euro = 4.67 PLN

Learn a Foreign Tongue!

Learn Portuguese!
Christ Doce! Esse prostitute é realmente um homem!
Sweet Christ, that prostitute is really a man!

Syndicate! RSD | RSS I | RSS II | Atøm
Large Print | Spanish Bea! Add http://yankeepotroast.org to your Kinja digest Creative Commons License
This journal is licensed under a Creative Commons License and powered by Movable Typo 3.15.
© MMV, Y.P.R. & Co.
Friday, October 28, 2005   |    Fiction

Excerpts from Paul Stanley’s Testimony Before the Senate Armed Services Committee Regarding the Capability and Readiness of the Kiss Army™ in the War Against Terror™

by Mick Stingley

(Tuesday afternoon, 14:10 EST.)

Senator McCain: First of all, I’d like to begin by thanking Mr. Stanley for appearing before this committee. Mr. Stanley, do you have any opening statements?

Paul Stanley: OH YEAH! HOW YAH DOIN, PEEPLE? WELL, AWWRIGHT! PEEPLE! PEEPLE! PEEPLE! HEH-LO! We ah HONAHH-ED tah be here TAH-NIGHT! I know … I know … I say, I say … I nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh nuh-nuh-KNOW you want to have some fun! And I nuh-nuh-nuh KNOW you wan- tah have a ROCK AND ROLL PARTY TAHNIGHT! Oh, yeah!

Senator McCain: Well, uh, thank you for being here.

Paul Stanley: Now, PEEPLE I need tuh KNOW—ARE YOU READY? I said—ARE YOU READY?

Senator McCain: (Pauses, looks around shrugs.) Yes, we’re ready.


Senator McCain: Very good. Let us begin. (Pauses.) Mr. Stanley, do you believe that the Kiss Army™ is adequately outfitted to handle the coming months in Iraq?

Paul Stanley: (Takes sip of water.) Senator, I think that everyone is aware that the Kiss Army™ is made of the greatest people in the world and without our fans we would be nothing.

Senator McCain: Understood. But is it fair to say that the Kiss Army™ is underfunded?

Paul Stanley: I would have to … SHOUT IT OUT LOUD!!! HELLL NOOO! Kiss fans are the greatest fans in the world and the KISS ARMY™ has one of the best well-funded operations considering the egregious amount of merchandise we sell to them. OHHH, YEEE-AHH!

Senator McCain: Mr. Stanley, is the KISS ARMY™ going to be able maintain a level of understanding commensurate with the political upheaval with Iraq and be relied upon to put the needs and duties of the US Armed Forces above personal interests?

Paul Stanley: You know what, Senator? You know what? I got a little sah-prize fuh yoo tah-night: (Pauses.) I’m gonna turn the microphone over tah ACE FREHLEY! SHOCK ME!


Senator McCain: Well, this does come as something of a surprise, but we’re not “shocked.” Is Mr. Frehley going to substantiate your assessment of the KISS ARMY™ and its preparedness?

Ace Frehley: Hey, man, how’s it going?

Senator McCain: (Sighs.) Mr. Frehley, I’m sure we’re all aware of your enormous influence on the young people insofar as inspiring an entire generation to pick up a guitar. But the question at hand demands that you are prepared to answer accordingly: Is the KISS ARMY™ prepared for the War Against Terror™ in Iraq?

Ace Frehley: Well, I was the “outer-space” guy. They called me “Space Ace” because I was into UFOs and stuff.

Senator McCain: Go on …

Ace Frehley: Yeah, well … I dunno. Gene was like the “Demon” and Paul was the “lover” and Peter Criss …

Senator McCain: Just answer the question, please.

Ace Frehley: Peter was the “kitty cat.” I haven’t been paid by these guys in some time.


Paul Stanley: Can I just interject something here, Senator?

Senator McCain: Of course, by all means. I’m sure we’d all like a little clarity.



Senator McCain: Perhaps you could just answer the question here.

Paul Stanley: Oh, YEAH! Oh, YEAH! I know what the question is—and if you know the answer I wanna hee-ahh you say it with me!



Senator McCain: What is the answer?


Senator McCain: (Sighs.) I think we will have to adjourn this meeting until Mr. Stanley and company have had sufficient time to speak with their attorneys …


– End transcript —

Mick Stingley has been published in The New York Post, Hustler Busty, and CLUB magazines, and you'll find him very soon in upcoming issues of Men's Fitness and FHM. He is a regular contributor to KNAC.com as a reviewer/low-rent rock critic. He also writes artist bios for Atlantic Records and probably reads the New York Times way, way too much.