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Monday, October 10, 2005 | Fiction
Karl Rove’s Ringside Boasts
*I’m not the greatest, I’m the double greatest. Not only do I knock ’em out, I grind my foot into their balls. *I done wrassled with an atheist, I done tussled with McCain, handcuffed abortion, sabotaged your campaign. Only last week I murdered the environment, injured the U.N., hospitalized the liberal machine—I’m so low I make Nixon look clean. *Joe Wilson is so ugly, he should donate his face to the U.S. Bureau of Wildlife. Except he poisons animals. *I’m so fast that last night I turned off the light switch in my room and discredited The New York Times before the room was dark. *Fifteen judges. I want fifteen judges to be at this trial because there ain’t no one man who can keep up with the loopholes I’m gonna find except me. *I should be a postage stamp. That’s the only way I’ll ever get licked. Ha! Get THAT image out of your heads, America! *Joe Wilson’s wife is so ugly she should donate her face to a fundamentalist terror cell. Whoops, too late. *I’m the king of the world, I am the greatest, I’m Karl Rove, I shook up Washington, I am the greatest, I’m king of the world, I’m petty, I’m petty, I’m a baaaad man, you heard me, I’m a baaaad man, I put Al Gore on the floor, Kerry in ought-four, so in 2008, I’m-a crush me a Democrate, I’m a baaaad man, I’m king of the world! *Float like a butterfly, smear like a pap. Michael Rottman has been rated X by an all-white jury. His work has appeared in Yankee Pot Roast, Opium.print, The Morning News and several Canadian publications.
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