Monday, October 3, 2005

Garfield begins salivating at the ring of a doorbell. When Jon presents the pizza delivered, Garfield’s wet himself with anticipatory spittle.

This One Really Sucks Jon is chillin' in the backyard's inflatable pool, sipping from a glass of ice water. Garfield, perspiring, sucks so hard on the drinking straw of Jon's beverage that the poolwater is sucked up through Jon's pores and, somehow, into the...
Donor Secrecy I am the head of a private investigations company. We have been approached by a woman whose 4-year-old child was conceived through an anonymous sperm donor. She wants us to locate the donor so that when her child turns 18, she can tell her who her biological father is. May we ethically take the case?
S.P., New York

Listen, dick: anonymous sperm donors are either junkies seeking fast cash or perverts seeking cheap thrills, if not perverted junkies seeking both. Women who resort to sperm donors are just old-fashioned ugly. Best bet is for you to take this cow's cash and tell her the bastard's pop died a war hero.
Curiosity Killed Something Else Jon thinks cats are curious. Garfield demonstrates that he isn't....

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