& Recently . . .

Highlights from Kurt Vonnegut’s Friar’s Club Roast

by Jeremy Martin

Jimmy Kimmel: Listen—Billy Pilgrim has come unstuck in time. Too bad it wasn’t so easy for Kurt boy here to get that gerbil to come unstuck from his ass. Am I right, V-man? I bet time didn’t need a DustBuster…

“Now It Can Be Sold” by Drinkmore Stout

by J. M. Houk

Dear Sir, pathetic sir, lonely sir, You are an experiment by the Creator of Apple. You are the only person left in the World who is literate and has the ability to communicate beyond grunting. You are the only one…

The Good News

by Jeremy Martin

  A Story Somewhat in the Telegraphic, Schizophrenic Manner of Kurt Vonnegut Jr. This story happened a long time ago in a church. Things were very different then. A church was a building where crowds of depressed and frightened people…

Deadeye Dicks

Drawings of K.V. found via Google Image search: 20 Self-portraits: 9 Self-portraits in profile facing westward: 8 Portraits with cigarette: 11 Portraits that might be of Edgar Allen Poe: 2 (Risko, Levine) Portraits that might be of Mark Twain: 1…

A Press Conference with New White House Spokesman Darth Vader

by Russell Hasan

Q: How are you qualified to assist President Bush and Vice President Cheney during this troubled time for the White House?
A: (Breath, breath.) I am strong with the Force. I am trained in the ways of the Force, and I have hired a team of bounty hunters to deal with the President’s critics …

Polish Fact

Poor Poles
Population living below the poverty line
18.4% (2000 est.)
(U.S.A: 12.7 [2001 est.])

Learn a Foreign Tongue!

Learn Portuguese!
Pergunte a seu doutor se Paxil for direito para você.
Ask your doctor if Paxil is right for you.

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Tuesday, November 22, 2005   |    Daily Garfield® Digest

As the Pizza Turns …

Jon has finally gotten through to the pizza joint and placed an order for a pizza that’s going to cost him an arm and a leg … triple toppings of everything. Hopefully, that includes a triple helping of some self-respect. From the conversation that ensues with the pizza folks, it appears Jon isn’t the only human whom Garfield intimidates.