Excerpts from Other Speeches Mistakenly Attributed to Kurt Vonnegut
Speech Made by a Tour Guide at Mount Rushmore
Hello, welcome to Mount Rushmore. I’ll be your tour guide, Kurt. Please take all the photographs you like. If the H-bombs come and destroy us all, you’ll want to remember what the mountain looks like. There are four presidents carved into the mountain: Washington, who owned black people; Jefferson, who also owned black people; Lincoln, a most righteous and decent man who gave the black people their freedom; and Roosevelt, who has a moustache like mine.
Diddley piddley poo.
Mount Rushmore was designed by a man who thought that the mountain would look more beautiful with faces in it. However, his name was not Count Rushmore. It was Gutzon Borglum.
And so it goes …
* * *
Speech by a Men’s Room Attendant
Hello, I’m Kurt. Would you like a paper towel? It seems that at one time on this planet there were lots of trees. Trees as far as the eye could see. Now, there are lots of paper towels.
And so it goes.
How many paper towels would you like to dry your hands? Three? Four? Take as many as you need. I’ve also got some colognes. Men, in their essence, are lousy smelling creatures. Their internal thermostat rises as a result of physical activities, causing them to sweat. This sweat is offensive to the olfactory senses. Flagonian! Crepostrian! Georgebushian! There’s Ralph Lauren, Davidoff, and Giorgio Armani.
Your tip is appreciated …
* * *
Expository Lecture by a James Bond Villain
You see, Mr. Bond, nothing is as simple as it looks.
Through the ages, all sorts of creatures ruled planet Earth. At one time, dinosaurs were the kings of this planet, those large, luxurious, magnificent beasts. There were other rulers of this terra firma: the birds, the lower primates. The point, Mr. Bond, is that all things must pass. And so shall these beasts we call humans. And so shall you, Mr. Bond.
And once you’ve so-it-gone, I shall take over the world, ruthlessly and megalomaniacally. My army of henchmen have been practicing their torture and villainy and my deputy has taken care of all the evil legal folderol. Also, my cigarettes have been transmitting hypno-rays to the world’s pigeons. They attack at dawn.
It will sound like this:
Guards, place Mr. Bond in the death trap. Do not be disappointed, Mr. Bond. No one can stop me now. Smarter men than you have tried, and all have failed. So too shall you, Mr. Bond.
And so it goes …