& Recently . . .

Highlights from Kurt Vonnegut’s Friar’s Club Roast

by Jeremy Martin

Jimmy Kimmel: Listen—Billy Pilgrim has come unstuck in time. Too bad it wasn’t so easy for Kurt boy here to get that gerbil to come unstuck from his ass. Am I right, V-man? I bet time didn’t need a DustBuster…

“Now It Can Be Sold” by Drinkmore Stout

by J. M. Houk

Dear Sir, pathetic sir, lonely sir, You are an experiment by the Creator of Apple. You are the only person left in the World who is literate and has the ability to communicate beyond grunting. You are the only one…

The Good News

by Jeremy Martin

  A Story Somewhat in the Telegraphic, Schizophrenic Manner of Kurt Vonnegut Jr. This story happened a long time ago in a church. Things were very different then. A church was a building where crowds of depressed and frightened people…

Deadeye Dicks

Drawings of K.V. found via Google Image search: 20 Self-portraits: 9 Self-portraits in profile facing westward: 8 Portraits with cigarette: 11 Portraits that might be of Edgar Allen Poe: 2 (Risko, Levine) Portraits that might be of Mark Twain: 1…

Polish Fact

Polish-American Athletes
Carol Blazejowski (G.M., N.Y. Liberty)
Tom Gola (Forward, Philadelphia Warriors, N.Y. Knicks)
Sebastian "Sea Bass" Janikowski (Oakland Raiders)
Ron "Jaws" Jaworski (QB, L.A. Rams, Philadelphia Eagles)
Hank Stram (Coach, Kansas City Chiefs)

Learn a Foreign Tongue!

Impari L'Italiano
Wham, bam, grazie, signora.
Wham, bam, thank you, ma’am.

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Tuesday, November 22, 2005   |    Fiction
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

Excerpts from Other Speeches Mistakenly Attributed to Kurt Vonnegut

by Geoff Wolinetz


Speech Made by a Tour Guide at Mount Rushmore

Hello, welcome to Mount Rushmore. I’ll be your tour guide, Kurt. Please take all the photographs you like. If the H-bombs come and destroy us all, you’ll want to remember what the mountain looks like. There are four presidents carved into the mountain: Washington, who owned black people; Jefferson, who also owned black people; Lincoln, a most righteous and decent man who gave the black people their freedom; and Roosevelt, who has a moustache like mine.

Diddley piddley poo.

Mount Rushmore was designed by a man who thought that the mountain would look more beautiful with faces in it. However, his name was not Count Rushmore. It was Gutzon Borglum.

And so it goes …

* * *

Speech by a Men’s Room Attendant

Hello, I’m Kurt. Would you like a paper towel? It seems that at one time on this planet there were lots of trees. Trees as far as the eye could see. Now, there are lots of paper towels.

And so it goes.

How many paper towels would you like to dry your hands? Three? Four? Take as many as you need. I’ve also got some colognes. Men, in their essence, are lousy smelling creatures. Their internal thermostat rises as a result of physical activities, causing them to sweat. This sweat is offensive to the olfactory senses. Flagonian! Crepostrian! Georgebushian! There’s Ralph Lauren, Davidoff, and Giorgio Armani.

Your tip is appreciated …

* * *

Expository Lecture by a James Bond Villain

You see, Mr. Bond, nothing is as simple as it looks.

Through the ages, all sorts of creatures ruled planet Earth. At one time, dinosaurs were the kings of this planet, those large, luxurious, magnificent beasts. There were other rulers of this terra firma: the birds, the lower primates. The point, Mr. Bond, is that all things must pass. And so shall these beasts we call humans. And so shall you, Mr. Bond.

And once you’ve so-it-gone, I shall take over the world, ruthlessly and megalomaniacally. My army of henchmen have been practicing their torture and villainy and my deputy has taken care of all the evil legal folderol. Also, my cigarettes have been transmitting hypno-rays to the world’s pigeons. They attack at dawn.

It will sound like this:


Guards, place Mr. Bond in the death trap. Do not be disappointed, Mr. Bond. No one can stop me now. Smarter men than you have tried, and all have failed. So too shall you, Mr. Bond.

And so it goes …

Geoff Wolinetz cannot be found on IMDb because the Hollywood community refuses to acknowledge the production of his seminal masterpiece Come What May, a gritty psychothriller starring a guy who kind of looks like Billy Baldwin and Erin Gray (formerly of "Silver Spoons"). If he were to be found on IMDb, his name would fall between "Geoff Witcher" and "Geoff Wood." In addition to his imaginary film career, Geoff also maintains an imaginary career as a baron of industry, is lead singer of the imaginary band Kick Ass, Falco, holds an imaginary Olympic gold medal and is an imaginary Pulitzer laureate in the field of journalism for his investigative piece on the albinos of Alaska.