Highlights from Kurt Vonnegut’s Friar’s Club Roast
Jimmy Kimmel: Listen—Billy Pilgrim has come unstuck in time. Too bad it wasn’t so easy for Kurt boy here to get that gerbil to come unstuck from his ass. Am I right, V-man? I bet time didn’t need a DustBuster and a box of laxatives to get rid of Billy Pilgrim.
Pamela Anderson: I had such a crush on Kurt back when he played Mike Seaver on Growing Pains. It’s too bad you went and became a wacko evangelist Christian, Kurt. (Squeezing enormous breasts together.) It’s really too bad. (Looking over at Vonnegut:) Holy shit, you’ve aged terribly.
Gilbert Gottfried: I had to read Cat’s Cradle in high school, you son of a bitch. How many different kinds of crack were you smoking when you wrote that? I’d take a time machine back to September 11 and stand on one of the Twin Towers waving my dick around before I read that book again. Hell, I’d probably do it anyway. Do you realize that Problem Child 2 was the highlight of my career?
Adam Corolla: Kurt Vonnegut stuck a gerbil in his ass one time. Ha ha, what a fag!
Andrew Dice Clay: Hey, Kurt (gestures towards groin), I got a little Breakfast of Champions for you right here, if you know what I’m sayin.’ Oh! I’ll give you a little of the old Slapstick, if you know what I mean. Your wife’s so old I bet her clam’s got a Bluebeard. Penis, balls, vagina, nipples. Ha ha, genitals are funny. Women are things you put your peepee inside of. Oh!
Sarah Silverman: Vonnegut, that’s some kind of Jewboy name, isn’t it? Well, if this whole writer thing doesn’t work out you can always go back to controlling the media and the world’s money, am I right?
Bea Arthur: I was in a bookstore the other day, and this college-age boy kept staring at me. I could tell he was gathering up the courage to talk to me, and I thought, “That kid seems too young to be a Golden Girls fan.” After a few more minutes of staring, he finally came up to me and said: “Where did you get the idea for Timequake?” Now that I think about it, I’m not sure who that’s an insult to.