& Recently . . .

“Now It Can Be Sold” by Drinkmore Stout

by J. M. Houk

Dear Sir, pathetic sir, lonely sir, You are an experiment by the Creator of Apple. You are the only person left in the World who is literate and has the ability to communicate beyond grunting. You are the only one…

The Good News

by Jeremy Martin

  A Story Somewhat in the Telegraphic, Schizophrenic Manner of Kurt Vonnegut Jr. This story happened a long time ago in a church. Things were very different then. A church was a building where crowds of depressed and frightened people…

Deadeye Dicks

Drawings of K.V. found via Google Image search: 20 Self-portraits: 9 Self-portraits in profile facing westward: 8 Portraits with cigarette: 11 Portraits that might be of Edgar Allen Poe: 2 (Risko, Levine) Portraits that might be of Mark Twain: 1…

A Press Conference with New White House Spokesman Darth Vader

by Russell Hasan

Q: How are you qualified to assist President Bush and Vice President Cheney during this troubled time for the White House?
A: (Breath, breath.) I am strong with the Force. I am trained in the ways of the Force, and I have hired a team of bounty hunters to deal with the President’s critics …

Polish Fact

National Anthem
Mazurek Dąbrowskiego, written by Józef Wybicki in 1797.

Learn a Foreign Tongue!

Learn Dutch!
Ik heb twee draaischijven en een microfoon.
I've got two turntables and a microphone.

Syndicate! RSD | RSS I | RSS II | Atøm
Large Print | Spanish Bea! Add http://yankeepotroast.org to your Kinja digest Creative Commons License
This journal is licensed under a Creative Commons License and powered by Movable Typo 3.15.
© MMV, Y.P.R. & Co.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005   |    Fiction
Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

Highlights from Kurt Vonnegut’s Friar’s Club Roast

by Jeremy Martin

Jimmy Kimmel: Listen—Billy Pilgrim has come unstuck in time. Too bad it wasn’t so easy for Kurt boy here to get that gerbil to come unstuck from his ass. Am I right, V-man? I bet time didn’t need a DustBuster and a box of laxatives to get rid of Billy Pilgrim.

Pamela Anderson: I had such a crush on Kurt back when he played Mike Seaver on Growing Pains. It’s too bad you went and became a wacko evangelist Christian, Kurt. (Squeezing enormous breasts together.) It’s really too bad. (Looking over at Vonnegut:) Holy shit, you’ve aged terribly.

Gilbert Gottfried: I had to read Cat’s Cradle in high school, you son of a bitch. How many different kinds of crack were you smoking when you wrote that? I’d take a time machine back to September 11 and stand on one of the Twin Towers waving my dick around before I read that book again. Hell, I’d probably do it anyway. Do you realize that Problem Child 2 was the highlight of my career?

Adam Corolla: Kurt Vonnegut stuck a gerbil in his ass one time. Ha ha, what a fag!

Andrew Dice Clay: Hey, Kurt (gestures towards groin), I got a little Breakfast of Champions for you right here, if you know what I’m sayin.’ Oh! I’ll give you a little of the old Slapstick, if you know what I mean. Your wife’s so old I bet her clam’s got a Bluebeard. Penis, balls, vagina, nipples. Ha ha, genitals are funny. Women are things you put your peepee inside of. Oh!

Sarah Silverman: Vonnegut, that’s some kind of Jewboy name, isn’t it? Well, if this whole writer thing doesn’t work out you can always go back to controlling the media and the world’s money, am I right?

Bea Arthur: I was in a bookstore the other day, and this college-age boy kept staring at me. I could tell he was gathering up the courage to talk to me, and I thought, “That kid seems too young to be a Golden Girls fan.” After a few more minutes of staring, he finally came up to me and said: “Where did you get the idea for Timequake?” Now that I think about it, I’m not sure who that’s an insult to.

Jeremy Martin once wore a swimsuit as underwear. The longterm consequences are still undetermined.