& Recently . . .

Aardvarks Like Root Beer: Nine Poems

by Brian Beatty

Alcoholics Anonymous Anonymous

There should be
help for people
who drink to forget

their names.

Excerpts from Other Speeches Mistakenly Attributed to Kurt Vonnegut

by Geoff Wolinetz

Speech Made by a Tour Guide at Mount Rushmore
Hello, welcome to Mount Rushmore. I’ll be your tour guide, Kurt. Please take all the photographs you like. If the H-bombs come and destroy us all, you’ll want to remember what the mountain looks like. There are four presidents carved into the mountain: Washington, who owned black people; Jefferson, who also owned black people; Lincoln, a most righteous and decent man who gave the black people their freedom; and Roosevelt, who has a moustache like mine …

Polish Fact

Literacy Rate: 98.8%
(U.S.A. Literacy Rate: 97%)

Learn a Foreign Tongue!

Learn Many Languages!
Meat-stuffed pasta pocket:
Ravioli (Italian)
Wonton (Cantonese)
Kreplach (Yiddish)
Pierogi (Polish)
Pelmeni (Russian)

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Tuesday, November 29, 2005   |    Listicles

Subtle Changes to the Titles of Children’s Shows That Would Require Drastic Changes in Program Content

by Wayne Gladstone

Dora the Ex-Whora

Bear in the Big Crack House

Jimmy Neutered

Barney the Purple Gyno-Sore

SpongeBob NoPants

Thomas the Trained Submissive

Clifford, the Big Dead God

The pWiggles1

1 The silent “p” really changes everything.

Wayne Gladstone lives in New York with his wife and children. Some of his work has been featured in McSweeney's and Opium. But all of it has not been featured in The New Yorker. If Wayne Gladstone were a restaurant, he would be a defunct roadside Roy Rogers sharing space with a wildly successful Bob's Big Boy.