& Recently . . .

A Message from Avian Influenza A (H5N1) to the People of Planet Earth: I Will Kill You All!

by Dennis DiClaudio.

Surrender all hope, human beings! I, Avian Influenza A (H5N1), have you in my crosshairs. You have no chance. Stand down and accept your fate. When my reign of terror has been fully realized, the atmosphere shall grow thick with…

Those from Whom No Guff Will Be Brooked

by Mary Phillips-Sandy

1. Ne’er-Do-Wells
The first rule: no well done, no guff brooked. Inviolable.
2. Shams
Those who are imposters, those who cover pillows.
3. Thoughtless Cads
It is not the caddery that disturbs, it is the lack of thought that so often accompanies it—the rare thoughtful cad can be excellent company, and his guff will be brooked if he is handsome …

Selling Myself, Installment I

by Kent Roberts

The following is my application letter for the Pulitzer Prize.
Update: A case of beer was dropped off to their offices, around lunchtime on October 28. I hope they enjoyed the beer and expect to hear from them shortly.

Dear Pulitzer Prize Chairman Lee C. Bollinger:
I am a winner. I’ve always been a winner…

Polish Fact

Geographic Coördinates:
52 00 N, 20 00 E

Learn a Foreign Tongue!

Golpéeme, bebé, una más vez.
Hit me, baby, one more time.

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Literary Crunk
Tuesday, December 13, 2005   |    One-Question Interviews

Dennis DiClaudio, pathological worrywart

* ? *


1. What non-hypochondriacal diseases afflict you?

Dennis DiClaudio

I currently suffer from a chronic case of Androgenetic Alopecia, the effects of which have been devastating and unquantifiable, at times making it difficult to maintain such basic human needs as romantic relationships. Despite years of medical research, no simple cure for this disease has yet been discovered, and I am forced, along with countless other victims of Androgenetic Alopecia, to suffer the prejudices and ridicules of an uncaring society. I would only like to ask that people look inward and try, hard as it might be, to find some germ of empathy for me and my ailing brethren. Thank you.