Ah, 2005—We remember it well. Geoff Wolinetz played the titular role in Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?, Josh Abraham asked if he could shoot a film in your bathroom*, and Nick Jezarian ate fifty-one grilled cheese sandwiches in an hour, besting his previous record by three sandwiches and no vomit. And the Y.P.R. editors three joined the ranks of the new Cracked magazine, forthcoming in 2006
Cultural critics Will Layman and Ed Fischer, in possession of disquietude meters so finely tuned they can detect the seismic disturbances of a brow being furrowed anywhere on the continent, have kept their unblinking eyes trained upon modern trends that disquiet.
Disquieting Modern Trends
Our across-the-pond ally, Steve Finbow, reported on the escapades of musicians seeking shelter on tour.
Pop Stars in Hotel Rooms
Following, we present some of our very favorite selections from this past year, and a special tip of the hat to Y.P.R.’s very frequent contributors. We’ve begged them to stop, but they keep sending us more material.
Thanks to everyone who made 2005 possible for this humble journal. In 2006, we’ll be switching format to reggaeton/salsa, and we hope you’ll all stick along for the ride.
Those from Whom No Guff Will Be Brooked by Mary Phillips-Sandy
What It’s Like to Have Sex with Me by Chris Granger
I Am a Terrible Person to Cheat on Your Boyfriend With by Matt Borden
Unlikely Pen Pals: Penny Dobson, Seventh-Grader from Suburban New Jersey circa 1985, and Vladimir Tarkovsky, Inmate of a Siberian Gulag circa 1952 by Aaron Starmer
Questions for Discussion by Joseph Rogers
Chuck Palahniuk Mows the Lawn by Jesse Kavadlo
How to Get a New York City Straphanger to Bankroll Your Alternative Lifestyle by Tony Antoniadis
Hamlet by P. G. Wodehouse by Jaime J. Weinman
Excerpt from an Article Found in the Handbill for ‘Let’s Combat Hunger: A Fashion Charity Soirée,’ November 14, 2005, New York, New York by Mike Sacks
Karl Rove’s Ringside Boasts by Michael Rottman
Rejected Letters to Penthouse Forum by Ed Murray
An Internet Humor Writer Comes Clean by Christopher Monks
Sad Face/Happy Face by Aaron Belz
Mr. Teddy Wayne
Judy and Jim in Paris
I Am Tom Cruise, and I Love Women
The Weatherman’s Weekend Forecast
The Night of Standup Comedy I Recently Saw, Reduced to Its Logical Abstractions, as per Freud’s Wit and Its Relation to the Unconscious
Temping in Vatican City
Other Overwrought Acceptance Speeches
David Foster Wallace, TV Guide Synopsist
Ms. Amy Shearn
The Most Excellent () and Lamentable () Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet, Told Entirely in Emoticons
Molly Bloom Takes Manhattan
The New Harry Potter Book, as Dictated by My Boss, Brian Schmutto
Subtle Changes to the Titles of Children’s Shows That Would Require Drastic Changes in Program Content
A Frequent Contributor to a Popular Internet Humor Site Is Transported Back in Time, and, after Finding Work as a Writer on Your Show of Shows, Is Reprimanded by Sid Caesar within One Week
A Real Estate Agent’s Tour Of Hannigan’s Cove: Fictional Town For Rent Or Sale To Aspiring Novelists
Mr. David John
Phone Call Informing the New Nobel Prize Winner in Physics of His Award, Shortly after He’s Had a Breakdown and Reverted to a Childlike State, as KISS Alive Plays in the Background
Godzilla vs. Godzilla
Kafka + 2
Resignation Letter from an Organ Grinder’s Monkey
Mr. Mick Stingley
An American Psycho Christmas
Thank You for Taking Me to See Your Friend’s Band
Excerpts from Paul Stanley’s Testimony Before the Senate Armed Services Committee Regarding the Capability and Readiness of the Kiss Army™ in the War Against Terror™
Notes to Hoobastank Street-Teamers for Posting CD Reviews on Amazon.com
As Reviewed by Ben Brantley
Mr. Russell Bradbury-Carlin
Pay the Rent: A Solo Play Exploring Gender Politics
Masters of My Domain: My Vices as Characters from “Seinfeld”
I Sound My Chlorophyll Yawp
Hills Like Stuffed Tigers: Calvin Discovers Hemingway
The Absent Adults of Childhood Favorites Speak
Mr. Brian Beatty
Aardvarks Like Root Beer: Nine Poems
All About Me: 12 Poems
Ten Tiny Poems
Ms. J. M. Houk
“Now It Can Be Sold” by Drinkmore Stout
Amendments to the New Iraqi Constitution
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince Meet Prince and the Half-Baked Potter
Mr. Dale Dobson
New Adaptations for the Holiday Theatre Season
Nice Things to Say to Chris Columbus after Seeing Rent
Onstage Play-by-Play: Oklahoma!
Ms. Angela Genusa
LeBron James, from an Interview in the March 2005 Issue of GQ and the King James Bible
Kurt Cobain’s Ghost with an Invitation to a Fourth of July Picnic and Fireworks
Morrissey Addresses the Graduating High-School Class of 2005
Extremely Long and Incredibly Bad Writer’s Block
A Day in My Life as Reviewed by Rolling Stone
Mr. Will Layman
Woody’s Sketches for His Next Four Pictures
The Recently Discovered “Erotick Poetry” of Daniel Chelly-Ladbourne
“B.L.T.”: A Review
If the Republicans Were Making GEICO Commercials
Mr. Jonathan Stern
The People Recommend
Lesser Known Secrets from Secret Antiperspirant & Deodorant …
When Yakov Smirnoff Was King
Mr. Jeremy Martin
Highlights from Kurt Vonnegut’s Friar’s Club Roast
The Good News
Two Real Case Studies in Snap Judgment Involving My Parents
Dr. David Ng
Cartoon Episodes About Science
Angry Words from a Gnome Who to This Day Continues to Think the Human Genome Project Was Actually The Human Gnome Project
Notes from Mattel’s “Future of Barbie®” Brainstorming Session
Kent Roberts, author of A Portrait of Yo Momma as a Young Man, sent a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon to the Pulitzer Prize Committee: Selling Myself, Installment I
And frequent contributor Dennis DiClaudio (author of The Hypochondriac’s Big Book of Scare-the-Shit-Out-of-You Diseases) brought us a message from avian influenza: A Message from Avian Influenza A (H5N1) to the People of Planet Earth: I Will Kill You All!
? ? ? ? ?
Y.P.R. distributed those five question marks to faux mad scientist Malcolm Gladwell, Queens boy Sam Lipsyte, the almost-famous Sasha Frere-Jones, convicted necropheliac Andrei Codrescu, and disease enthusiast Dennis DiClaudio.
We gave proper farewells to both Nipsey Russell and Pope John Paul II:
R.I.P., Nipsey Russell | Dear Nipsey
Was the Pope Polish?: John Paul II, 1920-2005 | Temping in Vatican City
Radar magazine rose from the dead only to re-die three issues later, just like Christ.
Frequent contributor Angela Genusa reported to us that David Sedaris, the noted anecdotist, is “delighted with Yankee Pot Roast.”
Michael Chabon separated fact from fiction for us: The Amazing Adventure of Michael Chabon and the Golem.
Foreign correspondent Han Yao Wen presented our readers ten prime examples of The Humor from China, a piece which had the unfortunate timing of being published on April 1st, thus prompting many readers to question if it were real or a joke. Mr. Yao Wen is a real, live comedy writer living in Yulin City—unless the joke is on us. (Possible.)
Y.P.R. and Maureen Dowd engaged in some fantasy role-playing games:
Maureen Dowd, Avenging Angel | Maureen Dowd, Untouchable Mutant
As did the The New York Times and Post.
And we lost our spartan, stoic logo: Logo Gallery
The Y.P.R. Book-of-the-Month(-ish) Club
The Y.P.R. Book Club read and discussed the following notable books of the year: J. K. Rowling’s Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, Jonathan Safran Foer’s Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, Sam Lipsyte’s Home Land, Malcolm Gladwell’s Blink!, and the Complete Canon of Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
Thanks for reading. Y.P.R. returns in 2006.