Thursday, December 22, 2005


Ah, 2005—We remember it well. Geoff Wolinetz played the titular role in Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?, Josh Abraham asked if he could shoot a film in your bathroom*, and Nick Jezarian ate fifty-one grilled cheese sandwiches in an hour, besting his previous record by three sandwiches and no vomit. And the Y.P.R. editors three joined the ranks of the new Cracked magazine, forthcoming in 2006

* Still asking. May we?

Cultural critics Will Layman and Ed Fischer, in possession of disquietude meters so finely tuned they can detect the seismic disturbances of a brow being furrowed anywhere on the continent, have kept their unblinking eyes trained upon modern trends that disquiet.
Disquieting Modern Trends

Our across-the-pond ally, Steve Finbow, reported on the escapades of musicians seeking shelter on tour.
Pop Stars in Hotel Rooms

Following, we present some of our very favorite selections from this past year, and a special tip of the hat to Y.P.R.’s very frequent contributors. We’ve begged them to stop, but they keep sending us more material.

Thanks to everyone who made 2005 possible for this humble journal. In 2006, we’ll be switching format to reggaeton/salsa, and we hope you’ll all stick along for the ride.

Those from Whom No Guff Will Be Brooked by Mary Phillips-Sandy

What It’s Like to Have Sex with Me by Chris Granger

I Am a Terrible Person to Cheat on Your Boyfriend With by Matt Borden

Unlikely Pen Pals: Penny Dobson, Seventh-Grader from Suburban New Jersey circa 1985, and Vladimir Tarkovsky, Inmate of a Siberian Gulag circa 1952 by Aaron Starmer

Questions for Discussion by Joseph Rogers

Chuck Palahniuk Mows the Lawn by Jesse Kavadlo

How to Get a New York City Straphanger to Bankroll Your Alternative Lifestyle by Tony Antoniadis

Hamlet by P. G. Wodehouse by Jaime J. Weinman

Excerpt from an Article Found in the Handbill for ‘Let’s Combat Hunger: A Fashion Charity Soirée,’ November 14, 2005, New York, New York by Mike Sacks

Karl Rove’s Ringside Boasts by Michael Rottman

Rejected Letters to Penthouse Forum by Ed Murray

An Internet Humor Writer Comes Clean by Christopher Monks

Sad Face/Happy Face by Aaron Belz

Mr. Teddy Wayne

Judy and Jim in Paris
I Am Tom Cruise, and I Love Women
The Weatherman’s Weekend Forecast
The Night of Standup Comedy I Recently Saw, Reduced to Its Logical Abstractions, as per Freud’s Wit and Its Relation to the Unconscious
Temping in Vatican City
Other Overwrought Acceptance Speeches
David Foster Wallace, TV Guide Synopsist
Ms. Amy Shearn

The Most Excellent () and Lamentable () Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet, Told Entirely in Emoticons
Molly Bloom Takes Manhattan
The New Harry Potter Book, as Dictated by My Boss, Brian Schmutto
Mr. Gladstone

Subtle Changes to the Titles of Children’s Shows That Would Require Drastic Changes in Program Content
A Frequent Contributor to a Popular Internet Humor Site Is Transported Back in Time, and, after Finding Work as a Writer on Your Show of Shows, Is Reprimanded by Sid Caesar within One Week
A Real Estate Agent’s Tour Of Hannigan’s Cove: Fictional Town For Rent Or Sale To Aspiring Novelists
Mr. David John

Waiting Room
Phone Call Informing the New Nobel Prize Winner in Physics of His Award, Shortly after He’s Had a Breakdown and Reverted to a Childlike State, as KISS Alive Plays in the Background
Godzilla vs. Godzilla
Kafka + 2
Resignation Letter from an Organ Grinder’s Monkey

Mr. Mick Stingley

An American Psycho Christmas
Thank You for Taking Me to See Your Friend’s Band
Excerpts from Paul Stanley’s Testimony Before the Senate Armed Services Committee Regarding the Capability and Readiness of the Kiss Army™ in the War Against Terror™
Editor’s Letter
Notes to Hoobastank Street-Teamers for Posting CD Reviews on
As Reviewed by Ben Brantley
Mr. Russell Bradbury-Carlin

Pay the Rent: A Solo Play Exploring Gender Politics
Masters of My Domain: My Vices as Characters from “Seinfeld”
I Sound My Chlorophyll Yawp
Hills Like Stuffed Tigers: Calvin Discovers Hemingway
The Absent Adults of Childhood Favorites Speak
Mr. Brian Beatty

Aardvarks Like Root Beer: Nine Poems
All About Me: 12 Poems
Ten Tiny Poems
Ms. J. M. Houk

“Now It Can Be Sold” by Drinkmore Stout
Amendments to the New Iraqi Constitution
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince Meet Prince and the Half-Baked Potter
Mr. Dale Dobson

New Adaptations for the Holiday Theatre Season
Nice Things to Say to Chris Columbus after Seeing Rent
Onstage Play-by-Play: Oklahoma!

Ms. Angela Genusa

LeBron James, from an Interview in the March 2005 Issue of GQ and the King James Bible
Kurt Cobain’s Ghost with an Invitation to a Fourth of July Picnic and Fireworks
Morrissey Addresses the Graduating High-School Class of 2005
Extremely Long and Incredibly Bad Writer’s Block
A Day in My Life as Reviewed by Rolling Stone
Airbag Warnings
Mr. Will Layman

Woody’s Sketches for His Next Four Pictures
The Recently Discovered “Erotick Poetry” of Daniel Chelly-Ladbourne
“B.L.T.”: A Review
If the Republicans Were Making GEICO Commercials
Mr. Jonathan Stern

The People Recommend
Lesser Known Secrets from Secret Antiperspirant & Deodorant …
When Yakov Smirnoff Was King
Mr. Jeremy Martin

Highlights from Kurt Vonnegut’s Friar’s Club Roast
The Good News
Two Real Case Studies in Snap Judgment Involving My Parents
Dr. David Ng

Cartoon Episodes About Science
Angry Words from a Gnome Who to This Day Continues to Think the Human Genome Project Was Actually The Human Gnome Project
Notes from Mattel’s “Future of Barbie®” Brainstorming Session

Kent Roberts, author of A Portrait of Yo Momma as a Young Man, sent a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon to the Pulitzer Prize Committee: Selling Myself, Installment I

And frequent contributor Dennis DiClaudio (author of The Hypochondriac’s Big Book of Scare-the-Shit-Out-of-You Diseases) brought us a message from avian influenza: A Message from Avian Influenza A (H5N1) to the People of Planet Earth: I Will Kill You All!

? ? ? ? ?

Y.P.R. distributed those five question marks to faux mad scientist Malcolm Gladwell, Queens boy Sam Lipsyte, the almost-famous Sasha Frere-Jones, convicted necropheliac Andrei Codrescu, and disease enthusiast Dennis DiClaudio.
One-Question Interviews

We gave proper farewells to both Nipsey Russell and Pope John Paul II:
R.I.P., Nipsey Russell | Dear Nipsey
Was the Pope Polish?: John Paul II, 1920-2005 | Temping in Vatican City

RadarRadar magazine rose from the dead only to re-die three issues later, just like Christ.

Frequent contributor Angela Genusa reported to us that David Sedaris, the noted anecdotist, is “delighted with Yankee Pot Roast.”

Michael Chabon separated fact from fiction for us: The Amazing Adventure of Michael Chabon and the Golem.

Foreign correspondent Han Yao Wen presented our readers ten prime examples of The Humor from China, a piece which had the unfortunate timing of being published on April 1st, thus prompting many readers to question if it were real or a joke. Mr. Yao Wen is a real, live comedy writer living in Yulin City—unless the joke is on us. (Possible.)

Y.P.R. and Maureen Dowd engaged in some fantasy role-playing games:
Maureen Dowd, Avenging Angel | Maureen Dowd, Untouchable Mutant
Meow! Mutant.

As did the The New York Times and Post.

And we lost our spartan, stoic logo: Logo Gallery

The Y.P.R. Book-of-the-Month(-ish) Club

The Y.P.R. Book Club read and discussed the following notable books of the year: J. K. Rowling’s Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, Jonathan Safran Foer’s Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, Sam Lipsyte’s Home Land, Malcolm Gladwell’s Blink!, and the Complete Canon of Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
Foer This!

Kurt Vonnegut Jr.Blink!

Thanks for reading. Y.P.R. returns in 2006.

American Psycho
An American Psycho Christmas "Joy to the World" is being piped in over the din of the late afternoon crush at Saks Fifth Avenue and I am cursing the fact that I have to wait so long for the clerk to return with my credit card. "So how are you going to spend your bonus, Bateman?" Price is already buzzed and I am still nursing my Finlandia as Courtney lights up at the mere mention of money.
Last Christmas, I Gave You My Heart (But the very next day, you gave it away.) Christmastime Is HereY.P.R.'s Xmas Cards, 2004 A Holiday Update from the Kinsleys by Julianne Flynn Season's Greetings by Stephen Loomis The Stanton Family Christmas Newsletter by Jonathan Shipley The Annual Holiday...
Comedy Gold Jon suspects that the fruitcake he received from Mrs. Feeney is the same fruitcake that she sent last year, which he threw away. Garfield offers to get a mallet and wooden stake. Fruitcake jokes, folks. This is what makes Garfield...

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Pop Stars in Hotel Rooms Shreek of the Week of the Day What's Up with That? Fuit Salad Nick's Guff Vermont Girl The M_methicist Daily Garfield Digest Polish Facts: An Antidote to the Polish Joke


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