Tuesday, December 20, 2005

At this time of year, community and commercial theatres across the country raise considerable revenue with holiday-themed shows like The Best Christmas Pageant Ever and umpteen versions of Dickens’s A Christmas Carol. In an effort to reduce redundancy and keep the season financially productive in years to come, we present the following unauthorized and hastily adapted concepts for dramaturgical consideration:

Death of a Snowman
Downtrodden Frosty Loman runs a rubber hose from the gas to his corncob pipe.

Sweeney Claus: The Demon Father of Christmas
The North Pole becomes a charnel house as Sweeney Claus and his female accomplice turn naughty boys and girls into coveted, scarce meat toys.

Musical adaptation of O. Henry’s famous short story, “The Gift of the Magi,” with rousing finale: “Awww Fuck, These Gifts Suck.”

How Peer Gynt Stole Christmas
Ibsen’s anti-hero meets Dr. Seuss in this rollicking Norwegian holiday fantasy, wherein Peer Gynt rides a Christmas reindeer into Whoville, kidnaps and shames young Christmas bride Cindy Lou Who, runs away to have wild Christmas sex with farm girls, trolls, and harem girls, then returns home in his old age to be redeemed by the Christmas love of his faithful Solveig.

Christmas with Auntie Mame
The “We Need a Little Christmas” number from Mame is expanded into a full-length show, chock full of holiday joy, witty one-liners, and Asian stereotypes.

Man of La Manger
A mentally unstable man born in a manger deludes himself and his followers into believing he is the Messiah, until at last he is crucified on a windmill by the Spanish Inquisition.

Glenmerry Glen Christmas
A motley group of Santa’s Helpers get into legal trouble when toy invoices are based on fraudulent letters from nonexistent children.

Miracle Below 14th Street
A young girl who does not believe in Santa Claus does believe in heroin.

Nick's Guff
I Almost Googled My Life Away When I type "Google" into Google, I get back 817,000,000 results in just 0.11 seconds. You know what that is? That’s fucking fast.
Three Concerns about This Caption "Study: 11M Americans Can't Read This Story," by Ben Feller (AP), Metro New York, Dec. 16-18, 2005...
Die Hard with a Pencil
Die Hard Police Officer John McClane Prepares His Cover Letter for Admission to an M.F.A. in Creative Writing Program Look, I'll level with ya: I'm not writing this goddamned essay for any reason other than my wife Holly, so let's get that fuckin' straight right now. Holly said something like, "John, you gotta get in touch with your imagination, John, you gotta express yourself more," and I was like, "What the shit you think I've been doing my last 20 years as a cop?!" ...

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