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Does Your Child Have A.D.H.D.?

by Eric Feezell

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder—commonly called A.D.H.D.—affects an ever-growing amount of today’s children and can be severely debilitating. If you are concerned that your child may have A.D.H.D., the following survey, adapted from the Vanderbilt Assessment Scale and brought to you…

Various Restaurant Menus Explain Themselves

by G. Xavier Robillard

Pietra Fria (Italian)
Italy is known for its warmth and rich food. You will not find those here. Our cuisine comes from Asperghia, a remote hill town nestled high in the Dolomites. Our people are indomitable, and our unique cuisine, as well as the profession of banditry, is handed down from father to son. We do not serve wine, for at an altitude of 3500 meters, grapevines would perish. Olive oil we steal from trade caravans that dare traverse our mountain passes. Enjoy our rock stew, flavored with lichen, or perhaps the tender marmot …

Polish Fact

Some Noted Polish Films
Ashes and Diamonds
The Saragossa Manuscript
The Decalogue
The Pianist

Learn a Foreign Tongue!

¿Habla Español?
¡Choque y temor! ¡Misión lograda! ¿Qué guerra?
Shock and awe! Mission accomplished! What war?

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Wednesday, December 7, 2005   |    Fiction

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Still Not Dead (They’re Just Playing Hide and Seek)

by Nick Jezarian

Name five things. Do it now. Fast.


What isn’t a thing, you mental juggernaut. Five things, I said.

Jesus Christ!

That’s one.

You’re unreal.

Unreal is a state of being, not a thing.

A state of being is so a thing. I should be at two. Strudel.

Now you’re cooking. Three more things.


Nope, three more. I should penalize you for that one.

I think I hear someone coming.


You’re just stalling. Three more things you twit.

Salamanders, monkfish, and Shelly Duvall.

Thank you.

What was that all about?

What was what all about?

Naming five things. Fast.

Rutabaga, John Holmes’s penis, squash, indecency, shallow feelings of inadequacy. Booya! That’s five in what has to be record time.

We’re just not on the same page today. Are we?


I said, Are we?

Oh, you wanted me to answer that question? I thought it was rhetorical in nature.

Since when have you known our relationship to be rhetorical?

Oh, you’re just impossible.

That doesn’t make any sense. I couldn’t just be impossible, I would have to be impossible at something. Like impossible at possibly looking any sharper than I do right now in your mother’s underwear.

You’re impossibly a shithead.

That’s a distinct possibility.

How much more of this do we have to deal with?

I’m dealing quite fine. Righteous in fact.

Weren’t we waiting for something?



We’ve been playing hide and seek. We’re waiting to be found.

How can we possibly be found if no one is looking for us?

I thought a moment ago you said you heard someone coming? They should be here any minute then I’d suspect.

No, I didn’t really hear anybody, I was just stalling.

I knew it.

I bet you didn’t know this though.


Ow, you unscrupulous motherfucker, that hurt.

So does this.




Only time will tell.

Tell what?

Ow! O.K., you win.

Point, Guildenstern. I fucking rule.

Shhhh, I think I hear someone coming.

Nick Jezarian is clearly a superbly built creation resulting from the union of man, woman, and crustacean. Nick's crustacean heritage contributes to his being mostly belligerent, constantly angry, yet always amused. Considering Nick's criminal spelling and grammar habits, the fact that he is part of the Y.P.R. brain trust doesn't say much about the site. Josh and Geoff have driven Nick's writing to new levels as he sends his Guff to the staff in an elaborate binary code that can only be deciphered by the light of pixie dust. Nick is Y.P.R.'s resident hip-hop expert, as he owns three CDs and once stabbed 50 Cent. Nick's favorite word is "word."