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The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited
Monday, January 30, 2006

A Few Ideas for the Next Film in George Romero's Zombie Series

Twelfth Night of the Living DeadTwelfth Night of the Living Dead
The Bard meets George Romero: cross-dressing zombies in the 16th century. Who’s a man? Who’s a woman? Who’s living? Who’s dead? Hilarity ensues.

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern … Living Dead
Two minor zombie characters from Dawn of the Dead set themselves up on a theater stage. While struggling with the inability to form any dialogue, they begin to attract living audience members—whom they grab from the seats and eat on stage. This attracts more intrigued theatergoers. This is a film that delves into the limits of meaning—and besides, what’s more of an existential nightmare than a zombie movie?

Another Night of the Living Dead
Night of the Living Dead meets Groundhog Day. A zombie finds himself back in 1968, in black-and-white, attacking a farmhouse—re-“living” everything, again. He realizes that he knows exactly where people will be hiding and running to. So, he decides to wait behind trees and buildings, grabbing people instead of chasing them with those stiffened zombie legs.

Following the Dead
The world is teeming with the living dead. A young zombie develops a strange desire to nibble on Bob Weir’s right forearm. He begins to follow the Grateful Dead, who—despite the absence of most living people—are still touring.

Bub vs. Jason vs. Freddie vs. Alien vs. Predator
The zombie from Day of the Dead is caught in a mêlée with the other bad boys of horror cinema. No real storyline. Fanboy dream.

Teatime for the Dead
All the living are now dead. The world is aswarm with aimless, wandering zombies. Until one zombie finds a lone teacup lying on the ground. He picks it up, fumbles it in his fingers and begins to experience flickers of memory from his “living” past. He remembers how to gather fresh mint, which he does from a nearby garden and clumsily boils a pot of tea. This moment begins a change in zombie purpose and culture. Soon, many give up the search for living flesh and begin to brew cups of Earl Grey, chamomile, and even some fine medicinal teas that help settle the stomach. The film ends with another zombie recalling how to make crumpets—though they come out all floury and tasteless—which is O.K. because most zombies, even when living, never knew what crumpets were anyway.

Russell Bradbury-Carlin gave up his corporeal existence long ago. He now exists only as a series of bytes and electrical impulses distributed through out the internet. You can visit aspects of him (the humorous parts, anyway) here at Yankee Pot Roast and at McSweeney's, Science Creative Quarterly, The Big Jewel , as well as other sites. But if you are interested in visiting with him in his most condensed form, check out his Web site, All My Shoes and Glasses. Please note: if you visit his site between the hours of 11 p.m. and 7 a.m., please be quiet--that is when he sleeps.