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Wednesday, January 4, 2006

Bat Play

Scene 1

A Warehouse. The Joker and some clowns have a hostage.

Joker: Hah, ha ha, ha! At last, we’ve got you where we want you.

Woman: You’ll never get away with this, Joker. Batman will save me.

Joker: I’m gonna kill the shit out of him.

Batman bursts through a window, kicking a clown in the face.

Batman: Suck it! (Sings “Batman” theme and is slowly winded by his singing.)

Joker: Kill them! (Clowns attack Batman and shoot him in the spine.)

Batman: My spine!

Scene 2

A hospital room. Batman is in a bed, wearing his mask. He has bandages on his chest.

Doctor: You’ll never walk again.

Batman: (Cries.)

One day later.

Nurse giving Batman a sponge bath. He has a beard growing beneath his mask. The nurse washes his legs.

Batman: Enough.

Nurse exits.

Robin: (Knocks on door, enters.) How’s it going?

Batman: They said I’ll never walk again. How’s the girl?

Robin: Dead.

Batman: Damn it! I’m a failure.

Robin: One out of five hundred isn’t bad.

Batman: Get out.

Robin: Come on, Bats.

Batman: Get out! (Cries.)

Scene 3

Rehabilitation room. Batman is walking on parallel bars. He’s wearing Batpants, Batmask, and Batbandages on his chest. He has a beard growing beneath his mask.)

Batman: (Stumbles and falls.) I can’t do it.

Nurse: (Lifts him up.) That’s right, you can’t.

Batman: Yes, I can! (Tries again, and falls.)

Nurse: See, you suck.

Outside of hospital. Batman rolls out in his wheelchair as the Batmobile pulls up. Batman opens the door.

Batman: My chair can’t fit in here! I’ll roll. (Rolls to a bar, enters, and orders a drink.)

Barkeep: What will you have?

Batman: I don’t know. I usually don’t drink. So, I guess I’ll start off by having one of each.

Barkeep pours an ale and slides it forward.

Scene 4

In the bar, days later.

The Flash enters.

Flash: Hey, Bats. What’s crack-a-lackin’?

Batman: Just drinkin’.

Flash: Want some nuts? (Runs super-fast and brings nuts.) Or some
tunes? (Runs super-fast to juke box and selects “Proud Mary” by C.C.R.)

Batman: You dick.

Flash: What?

Jukebox: Rollin’, rollin’, rollin’.

Batman: You know damn well what. Get out of my sight.

Flash exits. Lights flash to signify time passing. Superman enters.

Superman: Hey, buddy. What’s up?

Batman: Drinkin’.

Superman: Wow, you really let yourself go. You’re like Elvis now.

Batman: Eat shit, you piece of shit.

Superman: Hey, I’m just kidding. I know you’ve hit rough times, so I thought I’d come over and cheer you up.

Batman: No thanks.

Superman: Fine. (Goes to leave.) You know, you’re a real jerk now. No wonder the X-Men had to come here, you’re too lazy to clean up the mess here yourself. (Leaves.)

Batman: (To himself:) Damn it. No way those freaks are gonna do my job.

Scene 5

The Bat Cave.

Batman: Alfred, now that you’ve sawed off my legs, I need you to get me the Batlegs.

Alfred: Are you drunk?

Batman: (Wheelchair tips over.)

The next day. The Bat-kitchen.

Batman: Alfred, get my some pills. My head hurts.

Alfred: That’s because you’ve been drinking for eight days straight.

Robin enters.

Robin: Bruce, you’re back.

Batman: (Grumbles.)

Robin: Man, you’ve really let yourself go. Time to hit the gym. Let me roll you.

Batman: (After some inner battle:) O.K.

The Bat gym. Robin and Batman exercise their upper bodies. Soon, after the equivalent of month (but in play-time, three minutes pass), Batman is strong again.

Batman: Thanks, Robin, I couldn’t have done this without you.

Alfred: Your new Batpants are ready, sir. These will allow you to walk again, kind of.

Batman: Kind of?

Alfred: Walk is pushing it. You’ll be able to hubul.

Batman: That’s not a word, Alfred.

Alfred: Hubul, come on. Like a pirate with a peg leg.

Batman: Whatever. Let’s get me into your pants. (All laugh.)

Scene 6

The Penguin’s Hideout.

Penguin: I’ve got you at last, former President Bill Clinton. (Applause
and whistle.

Bill Clinton: You’ll never get away with this.

Batman: That’s right! (Limps toward Penguin). Crapola! This isn’t working.

Penguin: This is sad.

Batman: Shut up and eat fist! (Batman attempts to punch the Penguin, but falls over when he puts his weight into it.)

Penguin: Forget it. This is no fun. You can go, Bill.

Bill Clinton: Wanna go catch a movie or something?

Penguin: Sure. (Penguin and Bill Clinton exit.)

Batman: All this time I’ve been hiding from the truth. First trying to drink it away, then working out, tricking myself into believing that, hey. Hey! (Turns to the right.) Holy shit!

Audience Member: Lame.

Batman: What?

Audience Member: Acknowledging that you’re a fictional character in a play is lame.

Batman: I wasn’t going to do that.

Audience Member: Sure, what were you going to do then?

Batman: I saw, a, ah, thing. Over here. (Batman struggles to bend over.) It’s a can. Got to recycle, you know?

Audience Member: Good save.

Batman: You think you can do better? Come up here?

Audience Member: (Gets up and walks onto stage. Batman starts walking
toward an empty seat.
) Hey, give me your Batcuffs. (Batman tosses cuffs.) Thanks. (Audience Member runs out of warehouse and tackles Clinton.)

Bill Clinton: What are you doing?

Audience Member: Eat asphalt, scumbag. (Handcuffs Clinton.) Get back here, Fatty McFaterson. (Grabs the Penguin by the arm, spins him around, and cuffs him.)

Scene 7

The Bat Mansion.

Audience Member enters.

Alfred: Who are you and what are you doing?

Audience Member: Shut up, old man.

Alfred: Robin, help!

Robin: (Robin runs in.) What’s going on? (Audience member reaches into fridge and pulls out a Yoo-hoo.) That’s mine!

Audience Member: Tough. (Walks toward the Bat-garage.) I need the keys. Where are they?

Robin: You’re not getting them. (Audience Member notices Robin glance at the keys.)

Audience Member: See you later, losers. (Gets in Bat U.V. and drives away.)

Batman: (Limps up on stage.) Where did he go?

Robin: He stole the Bat U.V.

Batman: (Limps to garage and gets Bat Buggy. While driving:) Where would he go? Hmmm. (Drives to warehouse.)

Joker: Who’s out there?

Batman: I’m back, bitches! (Hits The Joker in the face with a two-by-four.)

Joker: (On the floor:) Get him, clowns! (Clowns advance. Batman punches them in the face.)

Batman: Suck it! (Pokes clown in the eye and throws him at other clowns. All the clowns fall to the floor and Batman throws a heavy net over them.)

Joker: Crapass! (Batman limps off and drives to hospital.)

Batman: (Presses Bat U.V. panic button.) Damn, he’s not here! (Drives to bar.)

Scene 8


Batman: Dah ha, assface!

Audience Member: How’d you know I was here?

Batman: Because this was the only other location in the play.

Audience Member: You’re good, Batman, but you’re also a gimp! (Breaks beer bottle on counter.)

Batman: Bring it! (Grabs pool stick from biker. Audience Member advances on Batman and begins to stab. Batman swings pool stick, but Audience Member ducks.)

Audience Member: You’re too slow, sucker. Your end has come.

Batman: Not quite! (Shoots Audience Member.)

Audience Member: Hey, you’re not supposed to do that. (Falls down.)

Batman: (Faces audience.)There’s a new Batman in town and he’s got a gun. I don’t need to walk if I’ve got a gun.


Ben Kharakh is the creator of the humor magazine One Trick Pony. His list "Sexual Euphemisms That Won't Catch On" appears in Created in Darkness by Troubled Americans: The Best of McSweeney's, Humor Category alongside a piece by Michael Ian Black, which means Ben is practically in the film Wet Hot American Summer.