Friday, January 13, 2006
  1. Making Threats That Incorporate Literary References

    “Get out of my face before I come down on you like Don Quixote on a windmill.”

    “You, my friend, have just made a choice even more flawed and inevitably tragic than King Lear’s.”

    “Everywhere you turn, I’m gonna haunt your ass like Cathy to Heathcliff.”

  2. Brandishing Inappropriate Accessories

    “Shut up or so help me, I will beat you with my issue of Tiger Beat’s ‘Hottest Hunks under 18’.”

    “Yeah, I think I can take ya. Me and my friends Smurfette and My Little Pony, that is.”

    “What’s that? Why don’t you speak into the mic and say that again? No, not my raised fist. I mean, my actual Fisher-Price microphone here. This button makes a cool chipmunk sound.”

  3. Being Overly Honest

    “True, you might have superior reach and weight, but I’m confident I can win this fight with a surprise kick to your crotch.”

    “Yes, I will fight you. And no, I’m not the least bit concerned that I’ll start crying after the first punch. Those days are long behind me.”

    “Glass jaw be damned, let’s get this rumble started!”

  4. Touting Dubious Talents

    “You really want to start with me? I’ve been second runner up Dungeon Master of the Year, three years in a row.”

    “If you want to take your chances with someone who knows all the words to the The Smiths’ “Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now,” go right ahead.”

    “Really? I’m surprised you’d say that to a man who can split a two by four with a just a vice and hand held power saw.”

  5. Symbolically Breaking Unimpressive Objects while Glaring

    Balsa Wood.

    Dinner roll.

    Issue of Tiger Beat’s “Hottest Hunks Under 18.”

Partout Que Je Ne Suis Pas "Everywhere That I'm Not" by Translator, from the album Heartbeats and Triggers Fifth week of July, 1982. This song stinks. It's annoying in the most jangly way possible. Try these lyrics: "'Cause you're in New York, but I'm not /...
An Evening at the Tokyo Ballet The curtain rises on a bare stage, occupied only by a large wooden barrel upon which is mounted an enormous spigot. As the lights come up, the orchestra launches into the delicate opening phrases of composer-choreographer Ittoru Sakitaru's Ballet of the Salarymen . . .
Do You Hear Me? Do You Care? "Words" by Missing Persons, from the album Spring Session M. Fourth week of July, 1982. Annoying, annoying, annoying. And if you sing it in your head, eventually you find the melody and lyrics drifting toward "Walking in L.A.", Missing Persons'...

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