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Literary Timberdoodle
Wednesday, January 11, 2006   |    Fiction

An Entry to the M.P.A.A.’s Contest in Which College Students Are Asked to Make a P.S.A. about the Problem of Online Piracy

by Jesse Singal

Billy and Timmy are in a car on the highway. Billy, who is driving, has two laptops perched on his lap and a third on the dashboard. Timmy, the passenger, has five laptops of his own.

Billy: [Furiously typing, switching from one laptop to another in an effortless display of multitasking.] Dude, this is amazing! I’m downloading all six Star Wars at once!

Timmy: [Similarly excited.] And I’m downloading every episode of Farscape ever recorded!

Billy: What a rush! And do you know what the greatest part about online piracy is, Timmy?

Timmy: No, Billy—what is it?

Billy: The fact that no one is harmed in the process! To put it another way, no bad will ever come from our actions!

Timmy: Billy! LOOK OUT!

Timmy & Billy: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A shot from the side of the highway shows Timmy and Billy bearing down on a Blond Pigtailed Girl humming as she skips in a carefree manner across the interstate, a pink backpack slung over her shoulder. Cut back to the inside of the car, where Timmy and Billy both have horrified looks on their faces as the screeching sound of the car’s breaks intermingles with the thud of steel against bone.

Timmy: Jesus Christ.

Timmy and Billy get out of the car and walk towards the victim. There is a girl-shaped dent on the hood.

Blond Pigtailed Girl: Help … me.

The Blond Pigtailed Girl coughs up blood onto Timmy’s shirt.

Blond Pigtailed Girl: [Motioning to her backpack, which sits next to her.] Must … deliver … hot … meals … to … [cough, cough, more blood] quadriplegic …

The Blond Pigtailed Girl fades into unconsciousness. Timmy shakes her.

Timmy: Must deliver hot meals to quadriplegic … who? WHO, GODDAMNIT?

Blond Pigtailed Girl: War … widows …

The Blond Pigtailed Girl dies.

Timmy: No. NO. [Shakes his fist at the heavens.] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Billy: Dude, look at this.

Timmy: What?

Billy: Her license. It says she’s the daughter of George Lucas.

Timmy: [Stunned.] No. No. It can’t be. I—No.

Billy: Yes. We, through our blatant disregard for both common sense and international copyright law, have just killed the daughter of one of our heroes.

Timmy: No.

Billy: Yes.

Timmy: No.

Billy slaps Timmy.

Billy: Yes, goddamn it! Now what are we going to do?

Billy and Timmy are distracted by a large truck pulling over to the side of
the road. The driver’s-side door opens and Chewbacca, wearing a
trucker’s hat, jumps out.

Chewbacca: Eeeeeeaaaaaghhhh!

Chewbacca walks to the back of the truck and opens it up. He helps George Lucas down. George Lucas assumes a position at the side of the road staring stoically at Billy and Timmy while a single tear rolls down his cheek. Cut to a shot from Chewbacca’s P.O.V. as he bears down on Billy and Timmy. The two boys try to ward him off with their arms, but Chewbacca’s brute strength, forged from millennia of evolution on the harsh forest world of Kashyyyk, quickly overwhelms the two.

Billy: No, Chewie! Please! Ow!

Timmy: Please, ow! Ah, Chewie! No! He crashed the car, not me!

Chewbacca ignores their pleas for mercy and mauls Timmy and Billy to death. He walks over to George Lucas, who strokes his blood-soaked fur.


George Lucas: I know, Chewie, I know: the killing never gets any easier. But until online piracy stops, this sort of tragedy is bound to repeat itself endlessly. Now let’s give my daughter a proper burial.

Chewbacca goes to pick up the Blond Pigtailed Girl while George Lucas gets back into the back of truck. Shot of the truck driving away. Overhead, a small squadron of X-Wings rocket past, skywriting the message:


The End

Originally from Boston, Jesse Singal is a senior at the University of Michigan, Ann Arbor. He is a staff writer for Every Three Weekly and The Gargoyle, and is a columnist for The Michigan Daily. His work once appeared in McSweeney's, although this has since been attributed to a clerical error.