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The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited
Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Some Ground Rules I Gave 50 Cent and G-Unit before They Played My Daughter's Bat Mitzvah

by Aaron Spiewak

“For his daughter’s coming-of-age celebration last weekend, multimillionaire Long Island defense contractor … arranged command performances by everyone from 50 Cent to Tom Petty to Aerosmith … 50 Cent performed only four or five songs—and badly—though he did manage to work in the lyric, ‘Go shorty, it’s your bat miztvah, we gonna party like it’s your bat mitzvah’.”

—New York Daily News

  1. At no point should the bat mitzvah girl be addressed as a “bitch”, “ho”, etc., even if it fits in iambic pentameter.
  2. No creeping up on any baby mamas, or any other invited guest.
  3. Replace bulletproof vest with tallis.
  4. 50 Cent, G-Unit, and all entourage members will be asked to disarm and turn over gats before the commencement of the horah.
  5. All references to “in da club” should be changed to “in da bedroom, finishing your homework so you can get into Princeton.”
  6. Instead of encouraging guest to raise their hands in the air, as if they just don’t care, remind them the caterer wasn’t cheap, so when it’s time to sit down and eat, they shouldn’t have to be told twice.
  7. No feuding with Tom Petty or Aerosmith.
  8. If a feud is inevitable, no gunplay. Fists and knives only.
  9. No shout-outs to the Rabinowitzes. They were only invited because we couldn’t not invite them; they’ve been our neighbors for ten years. But if you want to mention that we know it’s them who lets their dog shit all over our lawn, please feel free.
  10. One (1) complimentary bat mitzvah T-shirt and one (1) goody bag per G-Unit member. No exceptions.
Aaron Spiewak lives in Manhattan. He is writing a novel; yes, that same novel he told you he was working on two years ago. But life happened, and he got more responsibilities, and suddenly he didn't have as much time as he'd like to write anymore. Just get off his back about it already. He wrote this list; when will it ever be enough for you?