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The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited
Thursday, February 16, 2006

Fan Fiction Web Site Forum Tackles Eraserhead

by Andrew Golden

EraserheadHey, guys! This is my fanfic version of my all-time favorite film, Eraserhead. I’m 15 years old and go to Lincoln-Sudbury High School in Sudbury, Massachusetts. My other favorite films are The Deer Hunter and Cheaper by the Dozen. Anyway, the premise is: what if Mary gave birth to a regular baby? You know, like a human one. Please read & review, this is my first post! Thanx!

Eraserhead, by Samantha Yarlow

Henry walked in the door and his big poofy hair was on top of his head. “I should comb my hair,” he thought, “it’s getting kind of wild!”

“Hi, sweetie!” yelled Mary.

“Hi honey, what’s goin’ on, babes?” said Henry.

“I’m pregnant, dear!” she said. She was lying on the bed.

“Oh that’s wonderful, honey! I’m gonna go buy you some flowers with my paycheck!” said Henry, with a big smile.

“You’ll have to do that later, Hennie, I’m going to have this baby right now. Will you come over and help me?”

“Sure, sweetie!” said Henry.

Mary had the baby. It was a healthy baby girl, named Lucy! She looked up at Henry and said “Dadda!” Awww!

“She said her first word,” said Mary, making herself some tea after having the baby. “Would you like some of this tea, cutey?”

“Sure! Mary, this neighborhood is kind of depressing. I just got a promotion at work, because my boss says I’m the best employee. Whaddaya say we take Lucy and move to the country, and buy her a pony? Plus, I keep seeing these crazy worms! I wouldn’t want Lucy to put one in her mouth … not a growing baby, that might be unhealthy!”

Before Mary could say anything, Henry heard this noise coming out of the radiator. The radiator was buzzing, and then he heard, “In heaven, everything is fine …

“Say what?” said Henry. “I think we’d better move right now, this place is a little bonkers!”

Five minutes later, they were all packed and paid the landlord all the leftover rent and gave her a hug goodbye and said they would write once a week. Before they got in their Lexus to drive away, Henry’s pretty neighbor called out from her window. “Hey, Henry, you handsome devil, don’tcha wanna come give me a kiss goodbye?!?” The neighbor-lady winked at Henry.

“Excuse me,” Henry growled angrily. “Can’t you see I’m in love with Mary more than anything and am now moving to the country? Mary’s a great girl, and you’re just a slut.”

“Geez, thanks, sweetie!” said Mary.

“No problem, that’s how I feel!” said Henry.

They grabbed some money and paid a man in the country for a big house when they got there later that day.

Then their next-door neighbor came over with a pumpkin pie to say hello. “Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Eraserhead!” said the neighbor. “My name is Tom Baker [author’s note: Steve Martin!], and I live next door with my 12 kids. We have a great school system, I’ll give your daughter Lucy a pony, and none of the factories around here turn brains into erasers or anything weird. I hope we’ll all be best friends, starting now.”

“Sounds like fun!” said Henry.

“Aw, honey!” said Mary.

Lucy gurgled, “Miffter Baker … I wuv you!”

Everybody laughed and then hugged.

— The End —

Andrew Golden was well on his graduate-school way to making no money as a history professor before stopping dead in his tracks to make no money in PBS historical documentaries. He has been spotted on McSweeney's and the bottom of his dresser drawers (link disabled).