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Thursday, February 9, 2006

Highlights from the 2030 Grammy Awards

Nick Jezarian, Matt Tobey, & Geoff Wolinetz

Grammy 2030—After the attendees pledged undying love and allegiance to our robot overlords for being so pure and great, the evening kicked off with the award for Best Performance by a Clone or Human/Animal Hybrid. At first Larry Jones 8.0 was the winner. However, fellow nominee Gloria Penguinlady waddled in her time-machine, went into the past, and prevented Larry from ever being cloned, thus making her the victor.

—Performance of the night: Kany3 W3st’s rendition of his Hip-Bot hit, “Spare Parts Digger.” The crowd went wild when W3st ad-libbed a line into the song, saying that President Jenna Bush “doesn’t care about metal people.”

—The proceedings were delayed 30 minutes, when an android seat-filler rushed the stage, screaming, “No Oil for Oil!” The android, Bitcon 3784, and its programmer, Cindy Sheehan, were taken into protective custody.

—Nominee for most awkward moment: During Billie Joe Armstrong’s acceptance speech for Green Day’s Lifetime Achievement Award, his man-boob popped out of his shirt, exposing his nipple and inadvertently echoing Janet Jackson Jr. ’s third breast popping out at Death Bowl XII.

The Rolling Stones took the stage for the night’s first performance and proved that just because they’re pushing 90 and are actually just brains in jars attached to computers, they’ve still got what it takes to rock and roll. [Note: “Rock ’n’ roll” was a musical style that was popular prior to the second Saturnine Holocaust.]

—The low-point of the night was without a doubt the acceptance speech by Apple Paltrow-Martin. After winning the prize for Best Inaudible Recording, she used the opportunity to spout a number of insensitive remarks about the 4th-dimensional moon-monsters. Someone is obviously stuck in the 20s. Open your mind a little, girlfriend.

—Historians didn’t really think that the Grammys were ready for musicians whose lyrics are ONLY about anal sex with pelicans, but they were proven wrong when Rings Around Uranus walked away with Best New Artist and Best Lyrics About Sodomizing Birds.

—After tripping on the carpet and sprawling flat on his face, Moby was able to make a graceful save by ripping off his face to reveal that he’s actually a robot. He then shit organic tea and compared himself to Jesus Christ.

—The Columbia Records after-party was a swank affair with an open bar that featured the ground up remains of Courtney Love, Duff McKagan, and Evan Dando in powder form available for nasal or aural digestion.

Nick, Geoff, and Matt were created in a science experiment gone horribly awry.