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The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited
Tuesday, March 7, 2006

Eleven Scenes that Help Explain Why They Pulled the Plug on M. Night Shyamalan's Cinematic Adaptation of Life of Pi

A mischievous little dog pulls back the tarpaulin to reveal that there is no God, only a very bad wizard, who nonetheless grants wishes for the gimpy zebra, the agitated orangutan, the heartless hyena, and the cowardly tiger.

A precocious but pensive boy explains that Pi was dead all along and that the tiger is really Bruce Willis.

When his alter ego, Tyler Durden, renders orangutan fat into bath soap, Pi decides to shut down Fight Club.

The hyena kills the tiger, but soon discovers it was only a retarded Adrian Brody in a tiger suit.

At last Pi beaches the lifeboat. There he finds—half buried in the sand—the Statue of Liberty!

Pi meets a charming old Norseman named Ip (Samuel Jackson), but the two soon realize that they are equal opposites and are thus destined to be each other’s nemesis.

Pi tells a third story in which the lifeboat occupants are represented as gummi bears and marshmallow peeps.

Pi kills the hyena, but soon discovers it was only a retarded tiger in a hyena suit.

Aliens attack the lifeboat. Joaquin Phoenix repels them with precious drinking water, thus restoring everyone’s faith in God. The rejoicing lasts until they all succumb to acute dehydration.

The opening scene: A 47-minute diatribe in which Pi’s father somehow pins all of India’s misfortunes on “those Jews in Bollywood.”

Stephen Ausherman was the 2005 Writer-in-Residence at Buffalo National River, Devils Tower National Monument, and Bernheim Forest. He lives in New Mexico. Visit his site: