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The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited
Wednesday, March 1, 2006

Mom-and-Pop Business Takes an Advertising Cue from Guitar Center


Come find a virtual ANGLER’S ELYSIUM on the corner of Santa Clara and Webster streets! DISQUIETING AND BIZARRE DEALS on Berkley, Penn, and Daiwa gear that could EXPLODE A SPERM WHALE! [Explosion, then “splat” sound.]

SHORT-SIGHTED BEDLAMITE SAVINGS on Spin-a-lure! Rapala! And MORE! Buy one bag of Smithson weights or swivels, GET ELEVEN FREE! That’s right! FREE! Come feast upon our SIZZLING SMORGASBORD and satiate your TACKLE HUNGER! [Growling bear overdub.]

It ain’t no FISH STORY, people! This SEEMINGLY HALLUCINATORY BUYING BONANZA is happening FOR REAL at Al’s Bait Shop THIS Wednesday! A one-day-only ATOMIC JUGGERNAUT OF INSANE FINANCIAL IRRESPONSIBILITY [pause for effect] you have to SEE to BELIEVE…

* * *

From NOW until the END OF THE MONTH, Hillsborough Mortuary opens its doors [creek of casket slowly opening] for the MULTIPLE-BURIAL-AND-DISCOUNT-CREMATION SPECTACULAR!

You heard right, MULTIPLLLLLLE! Purchase ONE burial plot in any of our EIGHT FANTASTIC PARTICIPATING CEMETERIES, get FOURTEEN surrounding plots FREE!


Home-embalming kit FREE with every purchase! DEFORMED SLAPHAPPY BARGAINS on funeral gear! Come see why HALF the population of the North Bay is looking FORWARD to DEATH!

AND THAT’S NOT ALL! Schedule an ABNORMALLY INEXPENSIVE 30%-off cremation appointment for any weekday, receive seven urns—I said SEVEN!—ABSOLUTELY FREE!

Come witness the HEART-STOPPING CLOSEOUTS! There are only TWO WEEKS to take advantage of these QUACKINGLY OBTUSE DEALS! [Bell tolls ominously.] CARPE DIEM, YE MORTALS …

* * *

MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND! Kassenhoff Growers Organic Nursery of Oakland presents [rev of powerful engine] PLANT … O … RAMA!

NEVER-BEFORE-SEEN TERRIFYING MARKDOWNS on somnambulus, convolvulus, and pseudo-narcissus! [“Bitch screams.”] Eggplant, all varieties, 40% OFF! Winter squashes, 70% OFF! [Pause for sake of pausing.] EVERYTHING … MUST … GO.

Let’s get PLANT-RAGEOUS, gardeners! FREE flat of tomatoes with the purchase of ONE sunflower seedling! Plus 60% OFF ALL bat-guano-derived fertilizers! [Bat chirps and flappy sounds.]

Top soil, HALF OFF! All troughs and trellises, 75% OFF! Plus OUT-OF-THIS-WORLD SAVINGS on our ABSURD APOCALYPTIC MAELSTROM of used gardening tools! PRIMOOOOOOO!

And get THIS…show up before 8 a.m. and receive TEN yearly subscriptions to Home and Gardening … FREE!

At PLANT-O-RAMA! It’s the HOLIDAY GARDENING FARMAGEDDON that will KICK … [echo] YOUR … [echo] ASS … [echo]

* * *

TUESDAY! THURSDAY! Palo Alto Community Library brings you its seventy-fifth annual [pause for racetrack trumpet riff] DOÑA MARIE HIDALGO BOOK DRIVE OVERDRIVE!

Donate your used books and shop for THOUSANDS of SENSELESSLY DISCOUNTED selections! STRAIGHT-UP GALACTIC DEALS on fiction! Non-fiction! Educational! Periodical! Biography and autobiography! Even romance! PHANTASMAGORICAL SCHMALTZY BOOK-SANITY! [Maniacal laughter.]

ALSO! Stop by our COMMUNITY VOLUNTEER-RUN refreshment tent for GROTESQUE savings on canned soda, lemonade, and HOMEMADE Rice Krispie Treats! INORDINATELY HOMEMADE!

And don’t forget the ULTIMATE coffee bargain SENSATION—100% OFF!

INIMICAL! INCENDIARY! TUESDAY! THURSDAY! It’s the book drive to END ALL BOOK DRIVES. College Avenue in Palo Alto! Be there [quick report of a Gatling gun] OR BE UNREAD …

* * *

[Begin opening of theme to 2001: A Space Odyssey.]

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 25th, Hart’s Office Supply Wholesalers will raise the curtain [vocal pause just as opening hits climax] on DEALS! DEALS! DEALS!

TROUBLESOME BONUS BUYS on Sanford! Stanley! Bic! And more!

FREE Sharpie Multicolor 20-pack with the purchase of ONE box of Universal Staples! INAPPROPRIATE AND DANGEROUS HOLIDAY BARGAINS on ALL your office supply needs!

Liquid paper, 150% OFF!

Do NOT adjust your volume, stationery-o-philes! WE … PAY … YOU. [People screaming on a rollercoaster.]

PLUS! Come INDULGE your SELF-MUTILATINGLY VORACIOUS APPETITE for smart business with our never-before-offered HITACHI HB-4 PAPER SHREDDER REBATE DEAL! This is THE paper shredder deal of a LIFETIME! Pay just FIFTEEN CENTS after mail-in rebate!

That’s right, people! There’s a paper shredder waiting for you [uncomfortably long pause] UNDER THE CUSHIONS OF YOUR SOFA … [Fragmented echo with delay creating “Ofa-Ofa-Ofa-Ofa” effect.]

You must act quickly! This UNIMAGINABLY STUPID sales event applies ONLY to available stock! HURRY! YOU MUST PENCIL THIS IN … [Various thunder sounds and explosions.]

Eric Feezell has appeared, among other places, at McSweeney's Internet Tendency, Opium, and 7-Eleven. He can be found on the InterWeb at ericfeezell.com.