Friday, March 3, 2006

Scene One:
An Apartment.

TV Repairman: I’m here to fix your TV.

Buxom Blonde: It’s over there. That’s my roommate.

Roommate: You going to hook us up with free HBO?

TV Repairman: It’ll cost you.

Roommate: Like, what, $20?

TV Repairman: More than that. More like $50!

Scene Two:
A Farm.

In the barn:

Muscular Farmhand: Are you sure you want to do this?

Girl: Yeah. I’m not too young.

Muscular Farmhand: O.K. Here’s a pitchfork. There’s the hay.

At the front door:

Farmer: You can stay all night, but don’t touch my virgin daughters.

Salesman: O.K.

The next day.

Farmer: Bye.

Salesman: Bye.

At the stable:

Farmer’s Daughter: This sure is a fine animal. (Slaps horse’s buttocks. Licks lips.)

Father: How much you want for him?

Farmer’s Daughter: Well, since you have such a cute little girl, I’ll let him go for two fifty.

Little Girl: Yay!

Scene 3:
The Suburbs.

Girl Scout 1: And the team that sells the most cookies gets a new bike!

Man: Well, I’ll buy a hundred dollars’ worth, but it will cost you.

Girl Scout 2: Oh, we’ll do anything. Anything.

Man: O.K.. Come back in half an hour. My wife’s taking a nap.

At the boy’s locker room in a high school:

Girl: Oh, I didn’t know this was the boys’ locker room.

Boy: That’s O.K. The girls’ one is next door.

Girl: Bye.

In a classroom:

Girl: I’ll do anything to pass. Anything. (Leans over desk. )

Teacher: Well. (Licks lips.) Bake me a pie.

In the nurse’s office:

Nurse: Take off your blouse and bra and bend over.

Girl: Like this?

Nurse: Yeah. Just like that. Good. Just a bit farther down. Perfect. (Smiles.) You have scoliosis.

In a bedroom:

Girl on bed: When I get lonely (reaches into nightstand, feels around, and smiles), I eat. (Removes chocolate.)

In a clothes store:

Woman: How do I look?

Man: I’d like to see you with the blouse off.

Woman: I bet you would.

Man: Yeah, that’s much better. The shirt you had under it really brings out your eyes.

Ben Kharakh is the creator of the humor magazine One Trick Pony. His list “Sexual Euphemisms That Won’t Catch On” appears in Created in Darkness by Troubled Americans: The Best of McSweeney’s, Humor Category alongside a piece by Michael Ian Black, which means Ben is practically in the film Wet Hot American Summer.

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