Porn sans Sex
Scene One:
An Apartment.
TV Repairman: I’m here to fix your TV.
Buxom Blonde: It’s over there. That’s my roommate.
Roommate: You going to hook us up with free HBO?
TV Repairman: It’ll cost you.
Roommate: Like, what, $20?
TV Repairman: More than that. More like $50!
Scene Two:
A Farm.
In the barn:
Muscular Farmhand: Are you sure you want to do this?
Girl: Yeah. I’m not too young.
Muscular Farmhand: O.K. Here’s a pitchfork. There’s the hay.
At the front door:
Farmer: You can stay all night, but don’t touch my virgin daughters.
Salesman: O.K.
The next day.
Farmer: Bye.
Salesman: Bye.
At the stable:
Farmer’s Daughter: This sure is a fine animal. (Slaps horse’s buttocks. Licks lips.)
Father: How much you want for him?
Farmer’s Daughter: Well, since you have such a cute little girl, I’ll let him go for two fifty.
Little Girl: Yay!
Scene 3:
The Suburbs.
Girl Scout 1: And the team that sells the most cookies gets a new bike!
Man: Well, I’ll buy a hundred dollars’ worth, but it will cost you.
Girl Scout 2: Oh, we’ll do anything. Anything.
Man: O.K.. Come back in half an hour. My wife’s taking a nap.
At the boy’s locker room in a high school:
Girl: Oh, I didn’t know this was the boys’ locker room.
Boy: That’s O.K. The girls’ one is next door.
Girl: Bye.
In a classroom:
Girl: I’ll do anything to pass. Anything. (Leans over desk. )
Teacher: Well. (Licks lips.) Bake me a pie.
In the nurse’s office:
Nurse: Take off your blouse and bra and bend over.
Girl: Like this?
Nurse: Yeah. Just like that. Good. Just a bit farther down. Perfect. (Smiles.) You have scoliosis.
In a bedroom:
Girl on bed: When I get lonely (reaches into nightstand, feels around, and smiles), I eat. (Removes chocolate.)
In a clothes store:
Woman: How do I look?
Man: I’d like to see you with the blouse off.
Woman: I bet you would.
Man: Yeah, that’s much better. The shirt you had under it really brings out your eyes.