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The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited
Thursday, March 2, 2006

The New York Post Lifestyle: Thersday

Happy Vagina Day!
By Sara Stewart

Look out, Eve Ensler, and move over, Madonna—there’s a new girl in town who loves vaginas—and her name is Dr. Carol Schiffman.

The author of the sizzling new nonfiction bestseller, The Vagina Whisperer is making the rounds of the talk-show circuit and taking Manhattan by storm.

The OB/GYN turned sex therapist has penned a self-help book that’s part memoir and part “how-to” guide that is empowering women all over the city to talk to their vaginas.

What? Huh?

Yes. Says the good Doctor Carol, “Women need to reassure their vaginas that they are loved. Masturbation is a way in which we can love ourselves, but vaginas crave more than just pleasure: they crave affection.”

Dr. Carol’s vulva self-love encourages women to think outside the box, designating Thursday May 4, 2006, as “National Vagina Day.” She has lined up appearances on Oprah and Ellen to bring attention to this very special day. “Really, every day should be Vagina Day, but we get so caught up in other aspects in our lives, it’s important to set aside a special day for women to pamper themselves. It’s a way of raising your vagina’s self-esteem. It’s time to celebrate our vaginas, and not blame them for our recent breakups.”

As someone who just went through a recent breakup, I blamed my vagina for all of my problems. I asked Dr. Carol what I should do.

“You need to spend some quality time with your vagina. You need to have a girl’s night out with your vagina. Say to your vagina, ‘I love you, Vagina.’ Take your vagina shopping. You need to curl up with your vagina and a good book. You need to take your vagina to lunch.”

Take my vagina to lunch? It’s not as far-fetched as one might imagine.

Beginning in May, restaurant Daniel and Thomas Keller’s Per Se are offering $19.95 three-course lunches every Thursday as part of a promotion with Dr. Carol’s publisher, Grove/Atlantic, for “Take Your Vagina to Lunch Day.”

“It’s a way for us to boost the vaginal ego and harness the positive energy within. We need to let our vaginas know that we love them. Naturally, it’s in May, because, as the saying goes, ‘April showers bring May flowers.’ It’s vagina therapy.”

Soho Spa, O Spa in Brooklyn, and Georgette Klinger are already offering a variety of packages for vagina therapy. Erin Malouf of Dorit Baxter on West 57th Street says, “We are booking full day treatments for women who want to luxuriate their vaginas. Of course it can vary in price from expensive to extremely expensive, but your vagina is worth it.”

Who needs Valentine’s Day, ladies? I’m looking forward to Vagina Day, and for once I won’t have to worry about having a date. I just hope my vagina and I can get a reservation at Daniel.

Mick Stingley is a freelance writer. He is single and lives alone in New York City. He and Céline Dion will both be 40 on March 30, 2008.