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Don’t Let the Door Hit you in the ass on the way out, Duffy!

“Kiss Me” by Stephen Duffy (a.k.a Tintin) from the album The Ups and Downs First week of February, 1983 What do you do when you’re a founding member of Duran Duran and aren’t named Simon LeBon or have the last…

It’s Electric!

Vampires Suck On Broadway. Truly.

Trying to Explain the Easter Bunny to My Orthodox Jewish Girlfriend

by Mick Stingley

Polish Fact

Gross Domestic Product:
$373.2 billion (2002 est.)

Learn a Foreign Tongue!

Learn Many Languages!
Meat-stuffed pasta pocket:
Ravioli (Italian)
Wonton (Cantonese)
Kreplach (Yiddish)
Pierogi (Polish)
Pelmeni (Russian)

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Literary Panjandrum
Friday, April 14, 2006   |    Etc.

Extra! Extra! Read All About It! Moronic Online Lit Journal to Go Print! Unsinkable Boat Hits Iceberg! Extra!

Ladies, gentlemen, and those of indeterminate origin:

Yankee Pot Roast, the literary journal of humor and satire (and the website at which you’re currently looking), is preparing for the introductory issue of our brand-spanking-new PRINT EDITION (tentatively titled, Yankee Pot Roast: Book of Pages). With all that space and only about 2,500 words between the three of us, we’re going to need some submissions to fill it up.

Before you pick up your EraserMate and start crafting your submission, hear us out. As usual, we’re seeking words that come in all shapes and sizes, working together to form coherent sentences (or just sentences). However, there are a few things you should know before wasting five minutes of your valuable time creating something delectable for our approval.

  • If you’re a fan of the site, great! Thanks for reading the only website to lead the fight both for and against Astro Turf. If you’re here for the first time (either by recommendation or fluke), give the site a look see to gauge our tone and range. This way, you’ll be fully armed to submit a masterpiece with similar sensibilities and the glory will be yours!
  • For “Y.P.R.: B.O.P., aside from the Table of Contents, there will be no lists, listicles, listings, or bunches of jokes that have been listed, itemized, numbered, counted, ordered, or organized from most effective to least effective and vice versa. In fact, can we speak frankly for a moment? We’re pretty much listed out.
  • We really like short pieces. Really, we do. In fact, we love them. We love them so much, we’ve named the Y.P.R. dog, “Short Pieces.” However, for “Y.P.R.: B.O.P.,” we’re looking for submissions that range 1,000 words to 2,500 words (and perhaps even beyond). Of course, if you have a fantastic, splendiferous, snickerdoodle of an idea that’s less than 1,000 words, please send it along. All we’re saying is that this is an opportunity to submit some of your longer pieces. (We know, we know. That’s what she said.)

  • We’re targeting the second half of 2006 for Y.P.R.: B.O.P., so keep that in mind if you,’re considering something timely. K-Fed, Tom and Katie, James Frey and Katie Couric should not be the foundations of a piece destined for the print mag, unless it’s about an orgy involving all of them. In that case, we still won’t publish it, but we will keep it under the Y.P.R. mattress for constant perusal.
  • Send us your poor, your tired, your dirty pictures and photos yearning to be published. Keep in mind, art and photos don’t necessarily have to be funny. But they do need to be interesting. Grandmother photos do qualify, but generally only for the “Flabby Arms” collage.
  • Deadlines!: All submissions should be in by June 30th, 2006.

  • How to Submit: Send an e-mail here with “Y.P.R. Print Submission: [INSERT TITLE]” written in the subject line. Any submissions that actually have [INSERT TITLE] in the subject line will be laughed at, then discarded. Please copy and paste your submission into the body of the e-mail and include a short bio of up to 50 words. If you want to include a goofy-looking author photo, please do. We’re not sure if we’ll use it in the magazine, but we can assure you it will make it on the Y.P.R. fridge. Please also include a Microsoft Word document.

So those are the rules. Well, what are you waiting for? Stop reading this and go write something funny. Send it to us. We’d love to hear from you. If you bake, send us cookies. If you don’t, send Entenmann’s. Above all, however, please be sure to sign up for the Y.P.R. newsletter, so that we can send you love letters and keep you posted on the progress of our venture into the world of the printed word.

Stay gold, ponyboy.