Wednesday, April 12, 2006

The pretext for the 2003 war would have been the search for weapons of mass destruction. The real reason: a society-wide neglect of orthodontia. The invaded country: Great Britain.

Affectionate nickname for George W. Bush: “Mr. Thirsty

Rather than converting his tenure as Deputy Secretary of Defense into an appointment as president of the World Bank, Paul Wolfowitz would have used the revolving door to become a lobbyist for the fluoride industry.

William Bennett’s tome, The Book of Virtues, would have contained several long chapters on flossing.

Although a panoramic X-ray reveals that Kim Jong-il has several impacted wisdom teeth, the decision is made not to extract them.

William Kristol, rather than being the Harvard-educated son of neoconservative “Founding Father” Irving Kristol, would have spent his adolescence sneaking into dad’s office on weekends and taking hits of nitrous oxide with his friend Stu. And SUNY New Paltz would not have produced the future editor of The Weekly Standard.

Latest generation of laser-guided weapons available with “extra whitening formula.”

U.S. Patriot Act would have contained a provision providing for the F.B.I. to conduct warrant-less “plaque checks.”

Jeanne Kirkpatrick, rather than being known for her support of the Argentine military dictatorship of General Leopoldo Galtieri and her disdain for “Blame America First” liberals, would be remembered my many children for pioneering the use of chocolate-flavored toothpaste and for giving them a cool “sticky hand” at the end of every checkup.

Huge no-bid contracts for consulting and construction work in Iraq awarded to: WaterPik Technologies Corp.

Needless to say: no insurance coverage for their services.

Rather than gathering forces behind the malleable puppet George W. Bush for the presidential election of 2000, the Republican party would have nominated Jerry Bonerz, a.k.a. Dr. Jerry Robinson on CBS’s The Bob Newhart Show, America’s most beloved (and, really, only) television dentist—robbing the airwaves of one of today’s most prolific sitcom directors but granting the public a chief executive with unmatched mintiness of breath.

Will Layman used to be wise beyond his years, but then the wisdom kind of slowed down and the years just kept coming and … well, you get the picture. Now he is simply itchy beyond his years. When not furiously scratching, he teaches in Washington, D.C., plays the rock ‘n’ roll music, and pursues the pot of gold at the end of the Little Humor Pieces on the Internet Rainbow. Dig his work on National Public Radio, McSweeney’s,, and at Contact Will, if you dare, at

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