Tuesday, May 2, 2006

Are You There, God? It’s Me, Bilbo
J.R.R. Tolkien’s Hobbit comes of age in 1970s Middle Earth.

The Scrunci Code
Like, somebody dies in a horrible hair accident? And then, like, there’s soooo many clues about it that after a while your head hurts and you don’t even care? And you still hate your parents?

A Zigzag in Time
When a loser teen with a shoplifting habit smokes some magic reefer in a mysterious head shop, airbrushed paintings of Aerosmith come to life and help him find his long-lost dad.

Lady Chatterley’s Lover Junior
A dignified English woman makes friends with her gardener, discusses green beans, and dances fully clothed in the rain.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Commerce
When Hogwarts launches a fundraising drive, Harry peddles popular Treasure Bar candy, while Ron is stuck with American Seeds.

Home Aphobe
Ten-year-old Kevin is accidentally left behind when his large family leaves on vacation. He frightens burglars by pretending to be gay, then beats them up with sadistic booby traps. Years later he murders his drug dealer, James St. James.

Choose Your Own Adventure: Wagons Ho!
This interactive adventure book takes young Polly Sue into America’s Wild West, where the reader’s choices decide whether she will become a shopkeeper (5% chance), a crack shot à la Annie Oakley (2%), or a prostitute (93%).

Pokémon Down!
A military submarine is invaded by Pikachu and friends in Tom Clancy’s first book for children.

Dolemite’s Riddles and Jokes
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“If who?”
“If you don’t open this door an’ let me pass, I’m gonna stick these Hush Puppies up yo’ lily-white ass.”

Old Squealer
The touching tale of a farm boy and his faithful pig, who must be put to death as soon as he’s big enough to eat.

George Bush’s Puzzles and Games
Connect the dot!

Rumble in Riverdale
When Jughead kills Betty and Veronica in a drug deal gone bad, Archie shoulders his M-16 and takes on corrupt high school officials employed by Reggie’s cartel.

Out, Out, Self Esteem!
16-year-old Annie is a rich, beautiful honor student, lead cheerleader, first-chair violinist, computer whiz, basketball star, Pulitzer Prize–winning novelist, international champion equestrian, and lead in the school play. Doesn’t your life suck by comparison?

Rebekah of Sunnybrook Kibbutz
A little girl with a cheery disposition is forbidden to associate with gentiles and becomes a big star in the Catskills.

Ninety Boy Summer
Jennifer is disappointed when her prom date stands her up and her mom calls her a whore, so she sets out to sleep with a different boy every night of summer vacation.

Jesus on the Beach
Christian fiction encourages young readers to relate to Jesus by imagining him as a Malibu surfer: “Take, eat; these are my nachos, dude.”

Charlie and the Chocolate War
A young boy refuses to sell chocolates during his school’s fundraiser, and encounters violent repercussions from a strange top-hatted man and his uniformed army of little people.

The Cookie Jar
Sylvia Plath’s introspective poetry explores the pain of life, the appeal of suicide, and the great taste of homemade cookies.

Mike Mulligan and the Steam Shovel Incident
Mobsters conspire to whack one of their own on the Jersey shore with the help of an unwitting construction worker.

The Hemp Grows High
17-year-old Joe works hard on Paw’s marijuana farm, but yearns for life in the big city. After he meets pretty Anna Sue, he shoots himself in the head with a double-barreled rifle.

Dale Dobson writes, animates, and acts in the metropolitan Detroit area, and occasionally gets around to updating DaleDobson.com.

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