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The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited
Monday, May 8, 2006

The Goonies' Lawrence "Chunk" Cohen Prepares His Cover Letter for an M.F.A. in Creative Writing

by John Harnetiaux

Lawrence 'Chunk' CohenOh, c’mon you guys, let me in, seriously!

My cousin Gerry said the program was really fun and that you can write stories and stuff, and that if you’re really good the school will, like, give you money that he said this was a sti… a stip… money that you can use for anything like pizza or Baby Ruths and I really think that sounds cool ’cause my cousin Gerry said you can also get money for writing sometimes and I keep thinking of ways to get money like opening a freeze-dried ice cream store for astronauts ’cause I think the ice cream they buy from NASA must be too expensive and not so good, and also cause we thought the jewels that Mikey kept from One-Eyed Willie’s ship were actually just fake ones cause the guy who—AHH SHIT!!

Sorry, I accidentally spilled Coke all over the keyboard, sorry, you guys. Yeah, the guy who checked the jewels said they were fake so he kept them but then we heard the they were actually real and he stole them from us so now he lives in California or France or somewhere where they speak Germanish or Spain. Gerry said that you can live anywhere as a writer, so I can write and live in the Goon Docks and I have a seriously great idea for a book! It’s about this kid named Mikey and his friends and they’re gonna lose their house to these other rich guys who are JERKS, and Michael Jackson comes and puts on a free concert for them and them gives them all the money so they can buy their houses back. What’d’ya think?

Oh, Gerry said I have to write about myself so here I go my name is Lawrence but everyone calls me Chunk maybe because I’m smart or something, so that’s one reason that you guys should let me in and also I’m good at understanding people. There is this guy named Sloth who lives with me and my family now, and he’s a little deformed or something ’cause he was dropped when he was a baby and my Mom did that to me too, so I’m good at relating with people because I’m a compas… compassh… a nice person. Oh, and this one time there were these bad people called the Fratellis and they were REALLY BAD people, but my friends and I stopped them because they just escaped from jail and there was a big car chase and they shackled me up and tried to make me confess and I saw a dead body, too! So I have life experience, don’t ya think?

My biggest thing is this special thing I can do, and I’ll do it to get in if you want me to because I want to be a writer really bad like my cousin Gerry. Sometimes my friends make me do it, but, like, I’ll do it for you guys ‘cause I really want to get in and do you want to know what it is? It’s this special dance called the “Truffle Shuffle” and my friends think it’s funny, ask ’em go ahead if you don’t believe me! And also one time at Mikey’s house I—OH SHIT! I gotta go, my Mom just came home and if she sees me near the computer she’ll get really mad because last time I spilt my milkshake all over the screen because I thought I heard Dracula in my house … so c’mmooonn, you guys, let me in, pleeassse?!

John Harnetiaux lives in Japan, where he eats a majority of his meals with two thin pieces of wood called "chopsticks." He often refers to his friends as "homeboys," and his last name is undeniably French. He likes water-slide parks, too.