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Literary Boondoggle
Wednesday, June 21, 2006   |    Fiction

Announcements From the Flight Deck

by Geoff Wolinetz

Hello, everyone. This is Captain Baker from the flight deck. Today, I’m being assisted by First Lt. John Galvin. You’re on American Airlines flight 674, non-stop out of John F. Kennedy airport all the way to Los Angeles. Looks like we’ll have good weather most of the way there. We’ll be cruising at an altitude of 39,000 feet and flight time should be about five hours and thirty-six minutes. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight …

This is Capt. Baker from the flight deck again. Hope you’re enjoying the flight so far. I just wanted to point out a few landmarks along the way. For those of you sitting on the right side of the plane, you’ll see Canton, Ohio. If you look closely enough, you can see the spot where former New York Yankees catcher Thurman Munson crashed his single engine plane, killing himself back in 1979. Also, we’ll be playing Monster-in-Law, starring Jennifer Lopez and Jane Fonda in a moment. Headsets are available for five dollars. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the movie …

Folks, it’s Capt. Baker again. Just wanted to point out another landmark. Right now, we’re flying directly over Clear Lake, Iowa, where, back in 1959, Ritchie Valens, Buddy Holly, and the Big Bopper all died a plane crash on a stormy February night. Interesting fact about that is that Waylon Jennings actually didn’t get on that plane because there wasn’t room for him. The decision not to get on a plane saved his life. Funny, right? Good thing you folks got on this plane, though. We’re going to ask that you buckle up for a bit, we’re coming into a little turbulence. So, sit back, relax, and enjoy the rest of this hilarious movie. We’re watching it up here too …

Folks, Capt. Baker. If you’re on the left side of the plane, you’re in for a treat. You folks can see Bazaar, Kansas, where Knute Rockne and seven other folks died in a plane crash in that third wheat field to the left over there. Rockne was a famous college football coach over at Notre Dame, where he won six national championships in thirteen years. Too bad, he died in that plane crash over that field. Who knows how many more he could have won? Speaking of dying, is anyone else dying from laughter at this Monster-in-Law film? Man, we’re cracking up on the flight deck here. Anyway, sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight …

Hello, folks, it’s Capt. Baker again. You see those lights on the right side of the plane? None other than beautiful Las Vegas, Nevada. Good old Sin City. Boy, Capt. Baker’s lost a penny or two there over the years, I can tell you that. You know who else lost there? Carole Lombard. Yeah, she was flying back from a War Bonds promotional tour when her plane clipped that mountain, flipped over, and exploded. She wasn’t the only one that lost. No, 19 people died too. Oh, and they say Clark Gable, her husband at the time, never really recovered from her death. Hey, folks, if you don’t mind, I’m just going to have them start up Monster-in-Law again, because John and I couldn’t stop laughing for a minute. That Jane Fonda hasn’t lost anything has she? Oh, brother. Anyway, we’ll be in L.A. in about 45 minutes, so sit back, relax, and enjoy the rest of the flight …

Folks, welcome to sunny Los Angeles, California. Local temperature is a balmy 82 degrees. Local time is just about ten minutes after seven. If you happen to catch my flight on the way out, I can fly you right over the ocean spot where game show host Peter Tomarken and his wife crashed just last year. We do hope you enjoyed the flight here to Los Angeles and thank you for choosing American Airlines.

Geoff Wolinetz cannot be found on IMDb because the Hollywood community refuses to acknowledge the production of his seminal masterpiece Come What May, a gritty psychothriller starring a guy who kind of looks like Billy Baldwin and Erin Gray (formerly of "Silver Spoons"). If he were to be found on IMDb, his name would fall between "Geoff Witcher" and "Geoff Wood." In addition to his imaginary film career, Geoff also maintains an imaginary career as a baron of industry, is lead singer of the imaginary band Kick Ass, Falco, holds an imaginary Olympic gold medal and is an imaginary Pulitzer laureate in the field of journalism for his investigative piece on the albinos of Alaska.