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Monday, June 5, 2006

Movie Synopses from the Bonds Saga

Dr., I Didn’t Know

In this explosive début of the film series that would mesmerize a generation, Barry Bonds—Agent 0025—emerges as the inimitable and sometimes choleric slugger who, despite his old age, so-called bad attitude, and unfairly pegged reputation for “cheating,” miraculously crushes baseball record after baseball record amidst a never-ending critical onslaught from jealous peers, racist officials, and playa-hating fans.

The story sucks us in immediately. After Bonds’s mission, “Diamond Domination”, is suddenly jeopardized by the nefarious villain Dr. José Canseco’s outrageous accusations of unlawful activity involving performance-enhancing substances, Agent 0025 must fight tooth and nail to preserve his exemplary sense of humility, shining honor, and modestly capped salary.

The tale follows the intrepid agent to the island of Oaklandia, where Bonds must battle Dr. Canseco’s ruthless henchmen, the Abominable Giambi Brothers, and elude the irresistible journalist/temptress, Mark “Honey” Fainaru-Wada. It is in this first episode Bonds fashions the classic catchphrase legendarily repeated in every installment hereafter: Illegal? I didn’t know they were illegal.

Dr., I Didn’t Know takes the suspense thriller genre to unforeseen levels with its action-packed, tortuous plot. An epic, twisted game of anatomically enhanced cat and mouse not to be missed…

From BALCO with Love

Agent 0025 forms an unlikely alliance in this follow up to Dr., I Didn’t Know with the THG Triumvirate (BALCO’s Victor “The Pusher” Conte and James “Jimmy” Valente, as well as personal trainer Greg “Freak Muscle” Anderson). With the assistance of the THG Triumvirate, Agent 0025 takes on the opprobrious Major League Baseball Commission, headed up by the diabolical Bud Selig!

In a scheming plot to trample the dietary rights of players league-wide, Commissioner Selig and his mustache-twisting cronies John “The Incisor” McCain and George “Bloodhound” Mitchell push audaciously for more rigorous testing requirements in MLB. Unbeknownst to Bonds, the Commissioner has developed a cutting-edge super weapon he calls The ITEM-izer (Indemnifying Testimony-Evoking Machine (-izer)), with which he plans to turn Bonds’s former ally, Benito “Snaky” Santiago, against Bonds. Meanwhile, Bonds must heroically ingest female hormones to mask the triumvirate’s involvement in the top secret mission—drugs that could kill him or, at the very least, render him tragically barren of womb.

Even in the face of grave danger, Agent 0025 continues to rack up another stellar season with the San Francisco Giants. Of particularly impressive technical feat in From BALCO with Love are the numerous film sequences shot on the playing field. With some handy camera work and top-notch acting performances, producers were actually able to give it a level appearance.

For Your Thighs Only

Two dangerous substances have fallen into the wrong hands, and it is up to Agent 0025, Barry Bonds, to stop the madness and recover the goods!

Bonds’s former friend and ally, BALCO’s Victor “The Pusher” Conte, has admitted to manufacturing and distributing a magical muscle-enhancing potion he calls “the Cream,” which, after being applied to certain muscular nether regions of the body, turns men into wild, record-shattering beasts. Furthermore, Conte has also developed “the Clear”, a drinkable “vitamin” which he has disguised in jars of flaxseed oil and smuggled into locker rooms and health food stores across the country.

The unfortunate labeling mishap results in thousands of citizens who thought they were simply getting essential omega-3 fatty acids inadvertently bulking up and forming an angry, testosterone-induced army. In a selfless maneuver, Bonds alone must battle the incensed hippie fighting force—calling itself the Rippies—steal back the dangerous substances then secretly ingest them all himself in an attempt to rid the world of performance-enhancing drugs once and for all.

The film doesn’t end here, though. After saving baseball, and the world, Bonds hits a record 73 homeruns the following season, summoning an avalanche of criticism and finger-pointing that nearly ruins his otherwise pristine reputation.

Agent 0025 utters his famous catchphrase an astounding 45 times during For Your Thighs Only and coins a new, now equally famous one in addition. When asked in the clubhouse scene how he prefers his protein shake, Bonds coolly replies: Shaken…

Then, leaning in with a whisper: …and with a shot of Depo-Testosterone.

Obviously, this line was destined to become a fan favorite.


The iniquitous Dr. José Canseco is back in this thrilling installment, stirring up trouble once again with his newly developed weapon, the Liberal Media Money Machine. With aid from his disillusioned assistant, Mark “Quasimodo” McGwire, Dr. Canseco releases via lucrative-memoir satellite waves yet more unsavory evidence of Bonds’s history as an agent, sending Bonds on the lam to avoid a possibly-career-ending investigation.

Headhunting villain George “Bloodhound” Mitchell returns to lead the independent inquiry into Bonds’s past activities, and will stop at nothing until an admission of guilt is beheld from our marked hero’s lips. “I’ll follow him to the moon!” asserts Mitchell, referring to Oaklandia Argon Five, the orbiting body from which Dr. Canseco’s secret laboratory, Slandertonia, emits its signal.

Meanwhile, Agent 0025’s mousy lawyer, secretly aware that the Major League Baseball Commission, baseball fans, and baseball statisticians are all temporarily under the control of the Klu Klux Klan, warns Bonds to keep his distance, reminding him that it will all blow over with the now-famous, pricelessly delivered line: the average Giants fan is only somewhat forgiving, Agent Bonds, but verrrrry forgetful … hahahaha!

Can the fans transcend their racist mindsets and forgive Agent Bonds? Will 0025’s former allies at BALCO corroborate with Dr. Canseco to expose him? Possibly, but not likely. In this psychological grappling match of smoke and mirrors, nobody’s saying a word. (Except Agent Bonds, who talks mad shit in this film, which is decidedly out of character for him.)

Coming in 2006:

Bambino Royale

In the freshest segment of the Bonds saga, Agent 0025 will face off with two of his most powerful enemies yet, George Herman “the Babe” Ruth X-5 and Henry “Hammerin’ Hank” Aaron GH 2000, both technologically enhanced robotic versions of their namesakes, residing within the dangerous, impassible depths of the Gauntlet of Syringe-Throwing Playa Haters.

It promises to be a daunting undertaking for the ball-slugging hero. The only way Agent Bonds can survive this terrible challenge is to develop his own powerful weapon: a shameless publicity stunt telecast by ESPN…

Coming soon to a theater!

Eric Feezell has appeared, among other places, at McSweeney's Internet Tendency, Opium, and 7-Eleven. He can be found on the InterWeb at