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The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited
Wednesday, July 19, 2006   |    Fiction

A Reading from the Book of Genesis

In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth. The earth was without form, and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And God said, “Let there be Sonic the Hedgehog.” And there was Sonic the Hedgehog. God saw Sonic the Hedgehog, and it was good. He totally loved it so much that He played it all night. Thus there was night. Morning followed. The first day.

Then God said, “Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters. No, not a firmament. Let there be a dolphin in the midst of the waters. A dolphin who can change his shape and use sonar as a weapon.” And God made the dolphin and called it Ecco. And Ecco the Dolphin was so cool that God shook the freaking sky every time He played it. Thus there was the sky. Evening came, morning followed. The second day.

Then God said, “Let the waters be gathered unto one place and let dry land appear so that ninjas can fight each other and tear out each other’s hearts.” And He called it Mortal Kombat. And he called the dry land Earth. And he made babalities and friendship moves also, that were impossible to do, so you had to look them up in the guidebook. And he called the waters the Seas. God saw that it was good. God saw that it was so good that he made Mortal Kombat II, which had Jax, who had metal arms. It was totally amazing. The third day.

On the fourth day, God invited His friend over. His friend played a little, but said it was stupid. Super Nintendo was better, he said. And TurboGrafix-16 was better cuz it had Bonk, he said. And NeoGeo was coming out and even though it cost $600, it had totally radical graphics and it was better too, he said. God’s friend was being an idiot. God made His friend into a tree and thus there were flowering plants. Super Nintendo was for babies. The fourth day.

Then God said, “Let the waters bring forth abundantly the moving creature that hath life and fowl that may fly above earth and beast of the earth after his kind … yeah, Altered Beast,” H e said. And he can shape-shift like Ecco, but way cooler. God found Ecco lame in retrospect. Anyway, God made Altered Beast able to turn into all kinds of crazy things, like werewolves and dragons and tigers and bears. And God also made those things except dragons, but they weren’t as cool as a dude who could turn into those things. And God played Altered Beast for way too long and that was the fifth day and sixth day.

Then God, who had planned on resting this day, but was a little behind because of Altered Beast said, “I will make man in My image, after My likeness. And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth. And I will name them ToeJam and Earl, and they will be from outer space. And they will crash into Earth because ToeJam decided to let Earl drive one day.”

And God made Earthworm Jim, who was also from space and fought in space.

And God made NBA Jam which let you give Karl Malone a bobblehead and dunk so hard the backboard lit on fire.

And God made 7Up Cool Spot which was lame, but He couldn’t stop playing it anyway.

And God played them all for, like, ever. And ever. Amen.

The next reading is from the book of Sega CD. Don’t worry. It’s very short.

Geoff Haggerty has finally decided to go with an informative bio rather than a totally jokey one, which he's probably done too many of in the past. First and foremost, Geoff is a member of the New York City-based sketch comedy group Elephant Larry. Geoff's also got a coupla things at McSweeney's, which you should check out, but only after you're done checking out YPR for the day. Geoff is a Yankee fan and went to that game in '95 where Jim Leyritz hit a homer in the 15th inning at 1am against the Mariners. During the day, Geoff is a psychologist. Sometimes even he has a hard time believing that one.