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The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited
Thursday, July 20, 2006   |    Fiction

Donny Most, Happy Days’ Ralph Malph, Leaves Ron Howard a Message on His Voicemail

Ralph Malph!Hey, Ron. How’s it going? It’s Don. Most. Donny Most from Happy Days. I’m just calling to check in and see how things are going. I had to call Henry Winkler to get your number, because the one that I had for you was out of service. I guess you had some problems with people calling you too much or something. I have the same problem. The ladies just won’t stop calling Don Most.

It’s cool that you didn’t get around to giving me your new number. You probably left me off your e-mail distribution list by accident too. That happens all the time. My second ex-wife does the same thing.

Oh, so, I’m really calling because I had this awesome idea for a movie. I know you’re touring for The Da Vinci Code right now, so you’re probably totally swamped. I’m pretty busy too. I just landed this great role. I’m going to be playing the adult son in a commercial about incontinence for Depends undergarments. It’s a little bit of a stretch since my dad abandoned us when I was a kid, so I don’t know what it’s like to watch the person who raised you retire into his golden years. I’m really researching the role though, getting into the head of the character. I spent some time at a place called Shady Acres last week and really got a feel for what old people do during the day. By the way, when I get to be that age, I’m totally signing up for one of these places. They’ve got shuffleboard, bingo, all kinds of great activities, and they eat THREE TIMES A DAY! God, I can’t remember the last time I had three meals in one day. And it turns out these diapers really work! I don’t even have to waste all of that time going to the can anymore.

Anyway, about this movie. Basically, it’s the story of three best high school buds. They do everything together. They learn about life, play basketball, hang out at a local burger joint for some sodas. There’s a streetwise quasi-hoodlum with a heart of gold that gives them true life advice too. Oh, and it’s set in the year 2134, and robots police the whole place. And it’s up to the three buddies to help overthrow the evil robot state and free mankind from the shackles of android tyranny. The hero of the whole thing is a short, nebbishy redhead with rhyming names, who goes on this killing spree when his buddies are captured in the second act. He also has this steamy love scene with Erin Moran. There’s partial frontal nudity, but it’s tasteful.

So, let me know what you think about the film. I think it’s got good potential. It’s in development already at, um, a major studio, um Sony … aramount. Sonyaramount. Yeah, they’re really an up and coming studio. They’re working with people and we’ve got the inside track to get some really huge names attached. Anyway, I figured I’d call and see if I could get you lined up before you start thinking about next projects. Oh, and also, I’m going to have a little BBQ at my townhouse next week. Nothing huge, just some of the old gang. Anson Williams is busy, so he can’t make it, but Scott Baio said he might come. And in a strange coincidence, Tom Bosley was actually at Shady Acres, so I got his R.S.V.P. while I was there.

That’s it for me. Don Most OUT! That’s how I’m ending calls now, by saying Don Most OUT! I think it works.

Don Most OUT!

Geoff Wolinetz cannot be found on IMDb because the Hollywood community refuses to acknowledge the production of his seminal masterpiece Come What May, a gritty psychothriller starring a guy who kind of looks like Billy Baldwin and Erin Gray (formerly of "Silver Spoons"). If he were to be found on IMDb, his name would fall between "Geoff Witcher" and "Geoff Wood." In addition to his imaginary film career, Geoff also maintains an imaginary career as a baron of industry, is lead singer of the imaginary band Kick Ass, Falco, holds an imaginary Olympic gold medal and is an imaginary Pulitzer laureate in the field of journalism for his investigative piece on the albinos of Alaska.