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Literary Tomfoolery
Wednesday, July 5, 2006   |    Fiction

Existential Pleas and Resignations Mad Libs

by Edward Lee Murray

Dear __________ (preferred Diety of choice),

I realized something very ______ (adjective) today as I was washing my ______ (animal), and that something is this: You are a/an _______ (adverb) cruel ______ (personal expletive pronoun).

Last night, after drinking seven shots of ______ (least favorite hard liquor) and snorting enough ______ (cocaine) to make _______ (politician) blush, it became clear: It really is them, and not me.

I am the one who is completely ______ (helpless state of being) when it comes to the ______ (favorite color) personal relationships in my life, and yet, I share my innermost _______ (type of candy) with no one else on this _______ (adjective) planet … because they are all ______ (insulting adjective) ________ (extinct animals), I _____ (hate) them all, and I hope they meet a _____ (adjective) demise, choking on a platter of their own ______ (Applebee’s appetizer.)

This ________ (adjective) catharsis made me feel ______ (smiley emotion) and strangely alone, simultaneously. How can I connect with these _______ (herd animals) I am surrounded by on a daily basis? I am just so sick of ______ (synonym for ‘crying’) in the _______ (part of your house) everyday … maybe it would help if I shoved a fistful of _______ (vegetables) into my ______ (bodily orifice). It makes my heart ______ (verb) when I see the defeat in my parents’ ______ (body part), and it comes _____ (adverb) clear that they love the _______ (type of car) more than _______ (sibling’s name) … maybe I should stab my _________ (genitalia) with a _________ (sharp object).

Today, I have decided to buy a ______ (noun), which will serve as a _____________________ (metaphor); and as a ________ (timeless adjective) symbol for the ________ (expletive)-faced servitude that I am bound to in this life … no more in control than the most ______ (adjective)-minded of _______ (farm animals.) I am trying desperately to _____ (‘st_p’) myself from (active violent act) all of my co-workers … except _______ (person in the room). I’ve always wanted to __________ (forceful sexual act) him/her/it. I didn’t ask to be _____ (born).

If reincarnation does exist, please leave me out of it.

Thank you, you ______ (adjective expletive) ________ (racist slur). With all of my ________ (extremely volatile and oft times frightening emotion), _______ (dead philosopher) “_______ “(favorite Rolling Stones song) ________ (name of favorite bathhouse), Jr.

_______ (street alias)

Ed Murray is a stand-up comic who has performed at various clubs in New York City. He has been published online at McSweeneys, Yankee Pot Roast, Entropy, and in print for "Jest," "The Best of PulpLit 2002-2004," and "Oddfellow" magazines. More of his oh-so-blinding genius can be seen at: