[Editor’s note: The following first appeared on Y.P.R. on July 16th, 2004]
Senator Bill Frist (R-TN) takes the floor to begin the day’s senate hearings on the outlawing of gay marriage. As Frist approaches the podium, the Republicans are seen fervently chanting in unison, “Bill the Cat! Bill the Cat!” After an impassioned plea from Frist for “more coffee, pronto!”, he is requested by the president pro tempore of the senate to please take his act to another session. Frist refuses until said coffee is provided. A cup of coffee is brought forth but refused by Frist on the grounds that he clearly specified he would not accept any homosexual coffee. “It’s not my call, it’s my constituents’. Straight coffee only. Black. Man’s coffee.” Frist fills the time by discussing the relevance of Air Supply in determining an individual’s sexual orientation.
Frist is finally provided a cup of coffee that he can accept as a perfect example of a heterosexual breakfast beverage. Frist hands the floor begrudgingly to the Senator Jim Talent (R-MO), whose nickname among his peers is “Lightloafers.”
Mr. Talent’s impassioned anti-gay-marriage speech is interrupted by a ruckus in the assembly. The President Pro Tempore demands the note being passed around be brought up to his attention to be read aloud in the front of the assembly. “What is this, Ridgemont High?” Talent is heard to scream in protest. The note turns out to be a rough doodle of Talent and Don Rickles engaged in a lewd sexual act. The speaker shares the image with the assembly via the projection system.
Rick Santorum (R-PA) takes the floor for and tells the assembly, “Messing with the basic family unit in society is not something to trifle with.” An unidentified assemblyman answers Santorum’s words by taunting, “That’s not what your daughter said last night.”
Santorum lunges into the section of the Democratic senators where he believes to have heard the taunt from.
An obviously drunk Trent Lott (R-MS) trips on the way up to the podium and then hiccups through a long, rambling monologue mostly about the Atlanta Braves’ pitching staff. He concludes by dropping his pants and shouting, “Amend THIS!” He then passes out.
The assembly breaks for lunch. They plan to hash out the details regarding the afternoon session over Quizno’s.
Jesse Helms (R-NC) delivers an impassioned diatribe rebuking gay marriage and insisting that marriage is between “a man and a woman.” This begs the question: Who’s more senile at this point, Jesse Helms or Mr. Magoo?
Zell Miller (D-GA) regurgitates Helms’s speech, pausing only to remark, “I’ve never even kissed a girl and I know that.”
The session reopens as Senator John Kerry (D-MA.) takes the floor. In the midst of his delivery, he is greeted by boos and hisses from the Republican grandstands. Senator John McCain (R-AZ) is seen holding a sign that reads “Kerry is my friend, Bush is my President.” In response, Senator John Edwards (D-NC) rips open his button-down to reveal a T-shirt that reads “Lick Bush.” The synopsis of Kerry’s speech is that, while he isn’t gay, he isn’t exactly straight. Kerry concedes that while he supports legalization of gay marriage it is predominantly just to piss off President Bush and Vice President Cheney.
Democratic senator Edward Kennedy lifts his head off his desk to speak in favor of gay marriage. After three minutes, Kennedy is heard to uncork a belch that shakes Senator Bob Graham (D-FL) out of his seat. Kennedy then stammers, “To hell with it,” and slams his forehead on the table.
Ben Nighthorse Campbell (R-CO) announces that he’s breaking ranks and siding with the Democrats on this issue, stating simply, “What happen behind closed doors none of Nighthorse business, kemosabe.”
The expert on gay marriage, Gilbert Gottfried, (Idiot-USA) is brought before the assembly to discuss the inherent obstacles that the country would be faced with upon the legalization of gay marriage. Rick Santorum led the questioning. The following is a transcript of the initial exchange between Gottfried and Santorum.
R.S.: Mr. Gottfried …
R.S.: Mr. Gottfried, thank you for joining us. As you know we are attempting to understand the logistical implications of legalizing gay marriage in this country. Can you please provide us some insight on this?
G.G.: It’d be a mess. What do you want to know? You’d have gays making out in public, holding hands. That’s the last thing I want to see when I go out to get some Cold Stone Creamery. It’s a travesty. Men on men, girls on girls, it sounds like a science experiment gone horribly wrong. Ack!
R.S.: While I agree with you, please be more specific, Mr. Gottfried.
G.G.: Think about this. You’ve got the issue of people marrying to stay in the country. Back in college I could have married my roommate Ramón and continued to sit on the couch and watch bad soft-porn videos and drink bottles of Schlitz. It’s harder for foreigners to marry the opposite sex. Guys will do anything though. I guarantee you the majority of gay marriages will be between Eastern Europeans and underemployed fast-food workers that need roommates to pay their electricity bills.
R.S.: That sounds a little far fetched, Mr. Gottfried; please have some restraint.
G.G.: Who’s your boyfriend, Santorum?
R.S.: Please, Mr. Gottfried.
G.G.: Just think about how ridiculous this is … I mean, I’m a man and I call the troll I married a wife. What are you going to call your boyfriend when you marry him, Santorum, your mife? Mife? That’s the stupidest word I’ve ever heard in my entire life. “I’d like to introduce you to my mife.” You think you can get away with saying mife in public? Ack!
Gottfried goes on to discuss the inherent issues that might arise from same-sex marriages such as gay spin-offs of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, and sitcoms like My Mife and Kids, Mife Swap, and Roseanne.
Gottfried leaves and Santorum addresses his final thoughts to the assembly. “I would argue that the future of our country hangs in the balance because the future of marriage hangs in the balance.” This ominous remark momentarily hushes the assembly.
Senator Daniel Akaka (D-HI) breaks the silence by asking Santorum which way he thinks his cabinet member is hanging.
Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton (D-NY) takes the floor amid calls from Arlen Specter (D-PA) and Helms to “take it off.” Clinton describes how gay pornography helped to save her marriage and that she believes those homosexual saviors deserve the right to call each other husband and husband and wife and wife.
Helms slips his hand up Clinton’s skirt as she leaves the floor. Helms excuses himself and blames the incident on the shock of an old man having just found out that black folk have their very own music channel.
Senator Orrin Hatch (R-UT) takes the floor and poses the question to the assembly: “Which do you think is more flaming, the gays we won’t let get married or Chuck Schumer’s hemorrhoids?”
The day’s session ends with the Democrat and Republican assemblies in a verbal tug-of-war over who would lead the questioning of tomorrow’s expert witness, Harvey Fierstein.