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The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited
Wednesday, July 12, 2006   |    Fiction

The Disney Princesses Talk About Chlamydia

DisneyPrincesses2.gifApproximately one million cases of Chlamydia are reported to the Center for Disease Control each year. This startling statistic is comprised of a disproportionate number of teenage girls; young victims particularly susceptible to misinformation and often unaware of the high risks associated with certain behaviors. In an effort to protect our nation’s youth and empower them with knowledge, the C.D.C. sought the perfect spokeswomen to reach these young girls before they came to harm. The Disney Princesses were the only logical choice given their staggering success selling shoes, dolls, dresses, pillowcases, sunglasses, posters, and other willy-nilly items. Now, the Disney Princesses offer their wisdom, compassion, and personal stories to today’s youth.

What Is Chlamydia?


Snow White: Chlamydia is a lot like swallowing a poisoned apple transformed through magic by a witch. Except, instead of a poisoned apple, it’s more like bacteria living on dirty dwarf cock.


Cinderella: The Chlamydia bacteria can grow in the throat, vagina, penis, or absolutely anywhere on that whore “Sleeps-Around Beauty.” Oh, I’m sorry. I mean, Aurora.


Pocahontas: Chlamydia is the only thing I still have from John Smith.


What Are The Symptoms?




Jasmine: I noticed an increased difficulty riding a camel. I remember the pain and swelling. I was so embarrassed I told people I had sand in my crotch.


Belle: The symptoms are subtle so they can be hard to detect. For me, it was a searing vaginal pain when being mounted by an enormous beast, but in a different, bad way.


Ariel: My Chlamydia makes Prince Eric have sex with men. At least, he says that’s why.


How Do You Get It?




Snow White: I’m not a scientist so I can only guess, but I think the smart money is on doing the rusty trombone with Happy.


Jasmine: Chlamydia was invented by Jews.


Ariel: I got it playing a game I like to call “Finding Nemo.”


How Do You Treat It?




Cinderella: Bag the pumpkin coach and use that wish for a clean snatch. Then just hoof it home from the ball.


Ariel: Ask your dad to zap you some new legs. Snow White: Doc insisted the only cure was a strict two week regimen of dwarf “back door.”


What Are The Effects If Left Untreated?




Cinderella: No one will be friends with you except maybe that tramp, Aurora.


Pocahontas: Your movie will be only a mild success, your people will be slaughtered in the millions, and Disney will be forced to hire dark-skinned Latinas to portray you at their amusement parks.


Belle: Your man will lose most of his hair and shrink dramatically in size, leaving you perpetually dissatisfied.


We at the C.D.C. hope you found this information useful. For more information please contact www.when.you.itch.upon.a.scar.com.

Wayne Gladstone lives in Maine with his wife and children. Some of his work has been featured in McSweeney's and Opium. But all of it has not been featured in The New Yorker. If Wayne Gladstone were a restaurant, he would be a defunct roadside Roy Rogers sharing space with a wildly successful Bob's Big Boy. Visit Wayne at WayneGladstone.com

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