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Monday, July 31, 2006   |    Fiction

Zakk Wylde for the Weather Channel

by Mick Stingley

zakkwyldepictureweb.jpgMARK MANCUSO: Hello and welcome back to the Weather Center. I’m Mark Mancuso; this afternoon we’re joined by the latest addition to our team. Please say hello to Zakk Wylde.

ZAKK WYLDE: Hey, brother. How’s it going?

MANCUSO: Welcome, Zakk. Tell us how things are looking across the mainland.

ZAKK: It’s fuckin’ sick, bro. We got a summer weather pattern happening all across the South and West. 96 in Dallas, 98 in Montgomery, ONE HUNDRED in Atlanta—so ice down that beer, ya know what I mean?

MANCUSO: Atlanta joining the ‘Century Club’. A lot of humidity down there …

ZAKK: When it gets that humid it makes me feel like my balls are spackled to my leg. But the Black Label chapter in St. Louis is takin’ a serious ass-pounding from that storm that’s moving across the upper Midwest. You got that temperature drop and that’s when all kinds of shit starts happenin’ up there. St. Louis, Chicago, Indianapolis …

MANCUSO: That would be from the low pressure front coming down from Canada impacting the heat wave in the South. The Stormtracker radar shows a major cool-down in the Great Lakes region…

ZAKK: Without a doubt man. You get that fuckin’ lake effect snow and the Nuge is gonna be freezin’ his nuts off. Ya know what I’m sayin’?

MANCUSO: Looking out to the West, we’re seeing isolated thunderstorms in the Dakotas and scattered thunderstorms across Montana. Not a lot of precipitation in the badlands but definitely some high-elevation snowfall which is good news for skiers from Big Sky to Lakeside.

ZAKK: That skiing thing is kinda gay, but I was in Montana for the ride to Sturgis.

MANCUSO: Well, it’s clear and sunny from San Francisco all the way down to Phoenix. How are things looking back East, Zakk?

ZAKK: It’s gonna be a beautiful night at Fenway for the Boston chapter of the Black Label Society. You won’t need umbrellas, Sox fans, but bring your shovels cuz the Yanks are gonna fuckin’ bury you. But hey, what else is new, hah?

MANCUSO: Some fantastic weather ahead for the whole eastern seaboard…

ZAKK: Fuckin’A.

MANCUSO: Shall we have a look at the Doppler radar to see how that storm in the Midwest is going to progress?

ZAKK: Nah, they know it’s rainin’.

MANCUSO: Well, when we come back we’ll take a look at the weekend forecast. Both Saturday and Sunday should be excellent days for outdoor grilling. Do you have any plans for the weekend, Zakk?

ZAKK: Just gonna hit the studio to start jammin’ on some new shit. But the forecast definitely calls for beer…

MANCUSO: O.K.! And now stay tuned for your Local On The 8’s.

ZAKK: Or you can just look out the fuckin’ window. But, yeah, stay tuned for that and keep bleedin’ Black Label…

Mick Stingley is a freelance writer and regular contributor to Metal Edge, the Hollywood Reporter, Terrorizer, and He is single and lives alone in New York City. He is still hoping for a Van Halen reunion with David Lee Roth.