Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Swine of the West, and East, and South, and North:

On behalf of the Dear Leader, Comrade, Commander-in-chief of the Great North, Kim Jong-Il, I write to inform you that North Korea has finalized its list of demands, the fulfillments of which are necessary in order to secure its return to international sicks-party talks in regard to our increasingly fearsome nuclear program. It is with utmost seriousness this memorandum is penned, and with the most certain promise that, should but one demand go unmet, North Korea stands stoically prepared to employ all available countermeasures, particularly against U.S. military involvement (to be sure, we will crush you).

The Dear Leader reaffirms his right and privilege to test weapons wherever and whenever he so chooses—intercontinental, ballistic, or both, or otherwise—in the name of protecting the country (and unrivaled movie collection) he so dearly adores. Imperialist western cads must simply accept this, or an unsuspecting North Korean neighbor may very well find itself victim to a direst fate not seen since the original Godzilla.

No sanctions on weapons technologies shall be imposed, particularly on smaller, handheld devices such as Rambo knives, a favorite accessory of the Blindingly Handsome Kim. (To clarify, the ones with compasses placed cleverly on the butts of the handles that screw off to reveal hollow storage compartments perfect for housing small vials of arsenic, toothpicks, or the like.)

Furthermore, no monetary sanctions shall be levied. Should such egregious measures be undertaken by rogue nations (i.e., laughably weak, so-called “Japan”), North Korea will simply increase the rate at which it already reproduces foreign currencies (i.e., increasingly worthless and stupidly named “U.S. dollar”), driving down world market values until your silly paper slips are worth less than the material employed to print them (the Insurmountable Kim does not care for recycling and openly mocks your sacred “trees”, to be sure).

The points above address our political desires and should be of surprise to no one. Now, however, on behalf of the Wantonly Majestic Kim, and all of the Great North, to the representatives of the People’s Republic of China, Russia, Japan, and the United States/South Korea (listed in descending order of relative favorability to the Dear Leader) do I hereby submit our additional, late-entry demands:

A lifetime supply of cognac, henceforth known as “the New Nectar”, shall be delivered by barge to the North Korean port of Wonsan. It is impossible to provide an exact number, but we estimate that the Dear Leader consumes anywhere from 27 to 51 750-ml bottles of this beverage per day. The Indestructible One has four fully functioning livers, and is eckspected to live at least 90 more years. American scoundrels: for the exact number of cases to be sent, contact your Lawrence Livermore Laboratory and they will finish the math.

Legendary Northern California funk/fusion band Tower of Power shall be abducted, then surrendered over to the Unsurprisingly Godlike Kim and thereafter be known as Tower of North Korean Power, the Tragically Inimitable Kim’s house band. Only songs from Back to Oakland shall be performed, as it is without question their best album. The Tower shall be prohibited from advocating any other forms of power, especially those associated with Western-pig values.

For addition to the Dear Leader’s unrivaled assortment of ecksotic women, the Pleasure Brigade, we require the Dallas Cowboys’ cheerleading squad—the “Cowgirls”, as you call them—in its entirety, delivered naked in a neon green doughboy pool filled with caviar and bread crumbs. Or 26 randomly chosen Brazilian women, fully clothed. Per the unabashed benevolence of the Adorably Fiery Kim, this is your option, reprobates. Choose wisely.

Three MacBook Pros delivered to the Dear Leader’s doorstep in customized platinum-lined protective carrying cases. (Note: Each machine MUST possess the Photo Booth application, or we will invade Malaysia.) We will cover all shipping charges.

Any so-called “Korea Towns” in various cities across the world shall hence be referred to as “North Korea Towns”. No longer will the Great North suffer the indignity of being needlessly clumped together with its estranged brethren to the south. Furthermore, all “Japan Towns” shall be renamed “Penis Towns” and all “China Towns” re-titled “T.B.A.” until we see how current events play out.

The Gorgeous and Athletic Kim is an avid aficionado of Monster Trucks, despite his otherwise ferocious anti-American sensibilities. The Royal One demands Grave Digger make a special appearance at his birthday party neckst February. Not until that time will the Dear Leader decide if Grave Digger is allowed to return home, or if he shall continue drawing breath whatsoever.

Finally, the Grossly Unsurpassable Kim wants the Olympics—summer and winter—to be held in North Korea (neckst year) and for the letter “X” to be dropped from the English alphabet. The previous sentence should mark the last-ever appearance of the symbol in question for the duration of humanity, and was only used here to avoid any confusion regarding this deadly serious demand. The Dear Leader despises this letter and all its meaningless associations, to be sure.

When the above-listed demands are met, North Korea shall sit down with representatives of the abovementioned inferior countries to discuss ways in which we might be persuaded to listen to you. Of course, the Dear Leader will not appear at any such meetings—your eyes would implode at the very sight of his intense magnificence.

Quite gravely,
Kim Hyong Jun
Deputy Foreign Minister

P.S. The Unflagging Kim had secksual relations with her who bore you.

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